Nearly/Newlywed Happenings

Unhealthy and Healthy Patterns of Communication

2011-02-27T14:59:00.000-08:00

Before we discuss patterns of communication, lets look at the importance of intimacy.

- Intimacy is at the very heart of marriage.
- Man's need for intimacy is what motivated God to create Eve and institute the marriage relationship.
- Our covenant relationship with God is where it all starts!

When divorced couples were asked why their marriages failed, 86% said it was because "deficient communication".

Communication involves self-relelation on the part of one individual, and listening on the part of the other.

As just mentioned, it is important to start with a covenant relationship with God. It is possible to have this type of relationship although it may be a difficult concept. To achieve intimacy with Him we communicate with him through things such as prayer, His Word, and circumstances he places in our lives. The same is true in a covenant marriage...communication leads to intimacy.

With that said, if our spouse doesn't tell us their thoughts, feelings and experiences, we are left to guess or read their mind. When we "guess" wrong, this leads to major understanding which takes us back to the statistic of why couples divorce.

Regular communication on this basic level builds a platform that supports communication on more intimate and sometimes difficult levels.

BUT- communication is not enough. It must be healthy communication if we are going to experience initmacy.

Unhealthy communication actually destroys intimacy which needs to be corrected, but we must first identify the patterns.

Patterns of communication are passed from parent to child, and can be repeated from generation to generation. There is good news though.....these patterns can be broken!!

There are four common unhealthy patterns of communication. Almost all of these unhealthy patterns develop from a need to maintain emotional stability, to feel good about ourselves. But the main problem is that they are detrimental to marital intimacy. As we cover the four patterns, pay attention to see if you recognize any of them as your own communication patterns. Do you see any of them in your parents?

THE "FOUR FOWLS" OF INTIMACY

1. DOVE-I WANT PEACE AT ANY PRICE

- One partner placates the other in order to avoid his/her wrath.
- "That's fine with me" or "whatever makes you happy makes me happy"
- The Dove will almost NEVER disagree with his/her spouse, no matter how they feel.
- In their effort to avoid conflict and maintain our own sense of emotional stability and safety, we relinquish all possibility of intimacy.
- The problem with this type of communication is they will eventually explode.

2. HAWK-IT'S YOUR FAULT

-The Hawk blames his/her spouse for everything.
- "You never do anything right" or "if it weren't for you, everything would be fine!"
- Hawks appear to be strong belligerent people, but are in reality usually weak emotionally.
- They feel bad about themselves, but when they put someone else down or get someone to obey them, they feel better about themselves.
- In this pattern of communication, the facts are considered unimportant- their own judgmet is what's important.

3. OWL-LET'S BE REASONABLE

- The Owl is Mr. or Mrs. Cool, calm and collected but really feels vulnerable inside.
- This person shows no feelings, he says the right words, and reveals no emotional reaction when his spouse disagrees with him.
- He is more like a computer than a person.
- He will explain things so reasonably that you will wonder how anyone could have thought otherwise.
- Think of themselves as being reasonable and intelligent.
- He shows no emotions and is calm when the other person does.
- This communication pattern does not lead to intimacy on any level.

4. OSTRICH-IGNORE IT AND IT WILL GO AWAY!

- Basically ignores the other person's actions and comments, especially if they find them disagreeable.
- They don't respond to their spouse negatively, they just simply do not respond.
- They change the subject and move on to something totally unrelated to what the spouse just said.
- Their conversation goes in all directions and seldom reaches any conclusions.
- Those with this pattern think of themselves as "not fitting in".
- Not very good for building intimacy.

ALL OF THESE "FOWL" ARE UNHEALTHY FOR INTIMACY.

How do we correct these unhealthy patterns?

- We must first identify the pattern. Look for them in your parents, then look to your own marriage.
- Admit that the identified pattern is detrimental to your own marital imtimacy.
- Decide that you want to see the pattern changed. (II Corinthians 5:17)
- Replace the old patterns with new patterns of communication. (Ephesians 4:22-24)
- Admit failure when you revert to the old pattern and understand that you won't change overnight.
- A periodic check up with your spouse will be helpful. Seek their honest feedback.

Just as it is helpful to identify unhealthy patterns of communication, it is also helpful to understand the various levels of healthy communication.

5 LEVELS OF HEALTHY COMMUNICATION

1. LEVEL ONE-HALLWAY TALK

- What we experience when we walk down the hallways at work, church, etc.
- Usually sound something like this...."Hi" "Fine how are you?" "Fine" etc...we usually don't even remember what we have said.
- Very shallow way of communicating.
- Positive value-you acknowledge the other person.

2. LEVEL TWO-REPORTER TALK

- Just give me the facts. Who, what, when, where...
- You tell each other what you have seen and heard- but share no opinions or how you feel about it.
- Some couples who communicate regularly this way think they really have good communication.
- In reality, little intellectual, emotional, spiritual, or physical intimacy is built on this level of communication.

3. LEVEL THREE-INTELLECTUAL TALK

- What you think not what you feel.
- Now also sharing our opinions, interpretations, or judgments about the matter.
- This level has the potential to introduce the possibility of conflict.
- Some will drop a conversation at this point- don't want to deal with someone else's opposition or difference of opinion. Or just change the subject.
- A necessity for communication growth is giving each other the freedom to think differently. It is not necessary for couples to agree on every subject.

4. LEVEL FOUR-EMOTIONAL TALK

- Let me tell you how I feel.
- We share our emotions and how we feel about things. When we share our feelings, we share ourselves.
- I feel hurt, sad, disappointed, angry, happy, excited, bored, unloved, lonely.
- For most people, sharing feelings are more difficult than sharing thoughts because our feelings are more private.
- How someone responds may determine if you sharee your feelings again.
- There is more risk at this level, but potential for higher level of intimacy.
- As in level 3, we may feel differently about things. We don't have to agree about everything, but do have to respect the other person's feelings.

5. LEVEL FIVE-LOVING, GENUINE TRUTH TALK

- Let's be honest...really.
- This is the apex of communication...the highest level.
- This is the platform on which we can build a healthy marriage with a high degree of intimacy.
- Here we can speak the truth in love.
- Honest, but not condemning, open but not demanding.
- Allows us to think differently and think differently.
- We seek to understand how the other thinks and feels.
- Easy? NO, but not impossible!
- Must create atmosphere in which both feel safe to share thoughts and feelings....an attitude of acceptance.
- Do we share literally everything? No...some things are not meant to be shared.

Developing an awareness of these five levels of communication opens the potential for helping us enhance the quality of our communication. Keep in mind that may not be steady progress when working on these patterns. Recognize that all five levels have their place of importance, but as you spend more time in the higher levels, stronger intimacy will be the result!!

Covenant Marriages-Dream or Reality?

2011-02-20T10:04:00.000-08:00

There are two key ingredients to have a Covenant Marriage- Servitude and Intimacy. These two components aren't near as prevalent in marriages today as they were intended to be. Unfortunatley we see evidence of this in divorce rates. Lets look a little closer at each of these key ingredients to figure out how we can still have a Covenant Marriage.

SERVITUDE

John 13: 1-17
Here Jesus shows us the full extent of his love by doing the job of the lowest servant. He washes the disciples feet to teach us that we should do just as he did and serve each other. He tells us that we will be blessed if we do these things. This is a great example of how we should serve our spouses.

Men, what would happen if you asked your wives these questions.....
1) How can I help you?
2) How can I make your life easier?
3) How can I be a better husband to you?

You might discover that your wife has an answer for you! And this could solve the problem of having to "read" your spouses mind too!

According to Gary Chapman, author of Covenant Marriage, this is the kind of marriage relationship God intended for us to have...

"This is God's plan for marriage-two people giving their lives away to each other, understanding that the ultimate goal in life is not simply to have a good marriage, but that if married, God intends us to be his encourager to each other so that together each of us will accomplish more for His Kingdom than we would ever have accomplished alone!"

So where does this kind of marriage begin? By focusing on our Covenant Relationship with God.
- Mark 14:24 says "This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many." Here Jesus is telling us that his death on the cross seals a new covenant between God and people. When we accept him as our personal savior, we are able to come to God through him. By growing in our relationship with God, we are able to see the fullness of what a Covenant Marriage is like.
- The closer we are to God, the more we can understand the extent of his love and how he wants us to become more like him. When we receive his love we can't help but to dispense it to others. This steadfast love, or agape love, is impossible in marriage without Him.
- An intimate relationship with God is the key to turning "dreams into realities".

INTIMACY

Intimacy: sharing that which is most private or personal, familiar

- God knew it's importance from the beginning. In Genesis 2: 18 God said that it wasn't good for man to be alone and that he needed a helper. In Genesis 2: 24 God provided this helper and said that the two will become one flesh.

- Just as the Lord is one (Deuteronomy 6: 4) but made up of 3 parts (Trinity), in marriage we are one but made up of 2 parts, husband and wife.

- Oneness is a synonym for Intimacy.

- Intimacy is having a deep desire to share life with another person with whom you have a significant relationship. Does marriage come to mind? God designed marriage to be the most intimate of all human relationships. We are going to share life intellectually, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically which are all very intimate areas of life.

- Intimacy is at the very heart of marriage. Man's need for intimacy is what motivated God to create Eve and institute the marriage relationship.

We enhance intimacy with communication which we will discuss next time.

Contract Marriages vs. Covenant Marriages

2011-02-12T18:01:00.000-08:00

A contract is an agreement between two or more persons specifying that one will do something IF the other will do something.

Some examples of contracts are management contracts, lease agreements, mortgages, and car loans.

Can marriage be a legally binding contract?

Yes. If one party does not live up to the contract, then legal actions force them to do so or to end the marriage with a settlement.

Take a look at these characteristics of contracts to see if you have a contract marriage:

1. Contracts are most often made for a limited period of time. Some examples would be home or car loans, or leases. There are penalties for breaking these types of contracts. Contract marriage says "We are committed to each other so long as this relationship is mutually beneficial, then we can break the contract and suffer the penalties."

2. Contracts most often deal with specific actions. What each party provides for the other, or what each is willing to do for the other and what is expected in return. Marriages have "informal" contracts such as specific actions with children, household chores, etc...

3. Contracts are based on and "if-then" mentality. If you do this for me, then I will do this for you. In marriage, "I will make you happy IF you will make me happy."

4. Contracts are motivated by the desire to get something WE want. I will give you something you want if you give me something I want.

5. Contracts are sometimes unspoken and implicit. If I do something they like, they will be pleased with me. If I don't do what they want, they can make life miserable for me.

A covenant is like a contract. It's an agreement made between two or more people, but the nature of the agreement is extremely different.

Take a look at these characteristics of a covenant to see if you have a covenant marriage:

1. Covenants are initiated for the benefit of the OTHER person.
(1 Samuel 18: 2-4) Jonathan made a covenant with David. He took the initiative out of love for David.
(Ruth 1: 16-17) Ruth's covenant with Naomi. Naomi had nothing to offer Ruth.
Covenants are born from a desire to minister to the otheer person not to manipulate the person or the get something in return. In a covenant marriage, each spouse is committed to the other's well being. If both of them keep the covenant, then both will benefit, but the motivation and the attitude is not self gratification. Rather, it's giving of self for the others well-being.

2. In covenant relationships, people make unconditional promises. A covenant assumes a mutual response by the other party, but the covenant is not conditioned on the other persons behavior.

Most of God's covenants with us require a response on our part in order to enjoy the benefit of God's covenant. (Salvation) But God's covenant is never based on our response.

Covenant marriages are characterized by unconditional promises.

3. Covenant relationships are based on steadfast love. God's love love never ceases. We make contracts with almost anyone, but covenants are made only with those with whom we have loving relationships.

This kind of love is not a romantic feeling. Steadfast love is something for deeper. Steadfast love does have an emotional element, but is primarily a way of thinking and behaving toward one's spouse. It is a choice. The more you express affirmations and appreciation for the positive traits in your spouse, the stronger their positive feelings will become toward you. *THIS ATTITUDE OF STEADFAST LOVE IS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR IN A COVENANT MARRIAGE.*

4. Covenant relationships view commitments as permanent. In our marriage vows we say things like "til death do us part" and "so long as we both shall live". These are statements of covenant and are meant to be permanent.

5. Covenant relationships require confrontation and forgiveness. History shows many examples where God's people failed to live up to their covenant commitments to God. God didn't abandon his people because of their failures! This doesn't mean he ignored their failures. He always confronted them but stood ready to forgive.

Confrontation and Forgiveness are essential in a covenant marriage.
Confrontation-holding the other person responsible for their actions
Forgiveness-willingness to lift the penalty and continue a loving growing relationship.

Ignoring the failures of your spouse is not the road to marital growth. "Grin and bear it" is not the language of covenant marriage. Confront, forgive, and renew covenant!

So do you think you have a contract or covenant marriage? Which one would you rather have?

Covenant Marriage By: Gary Chapman

2011-02-10T16:42:00.000-08:00

Over the next couple of weeks we will be discussing chapters from Covenant Marriage By: Gary Chapman. The first week was an introduction and these are some highlights from our discussion.

"In the contemporary world, few things are more important to the church than addressing the needs that exist in Christian marriages."

An interesting fact....the percentage of marriages ending in divorce:
Non-Christian= 33%
Christian= 32%
Baptist= 29 %

That is why classes like ours are so important. Now more than ever we need to build a strong foundation for our marriages.

For those who are married, marriage is the 2nd most important relationship in life. Our relationship with God is the most important. Since marriage is a God based institution, it doesn't make sense to leave him out of it. Our relationship with God greatly influences all other relationships in our life as well. On the human level-out of all of the relationships, the marriage relationship is seen as the most intimate of all. This is one of the reasons why our marriage should portray an image of Christ and the Church.

The idea of intimacy is at the very heart of the biblical concept of marriage. It is so intimate that the bible says that two become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24) Along with intimacy, communication is the other most important aspect of developing a growing marriage. And you can't have one without the other. The less commotion and the more communication results in greater community in the relationship. As Christians, we must be rooted in the following assumptions, in order to obtain this level intimacy and communication in marriage:

- The lasting answers to marital growth are found in the BIBLE.

- Your personal relationship with God greatly enhances your marriage relationship. The closer each of you are to God the closer you are to each other.

- Communication is the primary vehicle by which two persons become one in the marriage relationship.

- Marital oneness does not mean that we lose our individuality.

- Sex was God's idea therefore his guidelines are best. If there aren't specific guidelines, then the guidelines are created between each other.

- Sex is an important part of a growing marriage relationship.

- The idea of biblical oneness involves not only sex but also intellectual, spiritual, emotional and social oneness.

SO- couples make a lifetime commitment to share virtually every aspect of their lives with each other, but they are ill prepared to do this. We will attempt to do this through this book and scripture by addressing the following needs:

- The need for clear, biblically based principles for building a Christian marriage.

- The need for individuality within the marriage relationship. Ultimately, we must face God as individuals and give account for our own lives. Within the marriage relationship, we can grow in our faith and practice it. (Unconditional love, servanthood, etc...)

- The need to develop biblical principles for handling conflict, anger and misunderstandings, and to learn skills in applying these principles. (Proverbs)

- The need to understand the positive, biblical view of human sexuality. We know the secular version of this- what is the Bible's perspective?

- The need for a definition of love that is biblical rather than secular.

- The need to develop patterns of communication that can build intimacy and lead to ministry. Identify the negative patterns of communication that keep us from intimacy-build positive patterns that draw us together. From there, our love and intimacy may provide the strongest attraction to the non-Christian world- a world that desperately seeks love.

You and your spouse in your marriage show the world a picture of God. Make sure that you are making every effort to show the right picture. With the divorce rates between Christian and non-Christian marriages being almost equal, it is obvious that the world has a hard time telling the difference between the two groups. Let's not leave any question as to what others see in our marriage!!

Finances- Part 1

2011-01-11T15:12:00.000-08:00

This week we began a 3 week study on finances with fellow church member, Andy Vanasse. Andy facilitates the Financial Peace classes at church and will be giving us a brief overview from this class.

Psalm 24: 1-2
"The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live it it; for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters."

- All material possesions including money belong to God. He entrusts what he wants and how much he wants into our care.
- It's a high calling to care for the things he has given to us.
- The things that God provides us with can be compared to a mutual fund. We are to invest what he gives us to produce the greates possible eternal dividends.
- Don't think of just money but think of how to invest in all of the resources given to us....children, family, leisure activities, volunteering, etc...

1 Timothy 5: 7-8
"Give the people these instructions, too, so that no one may be open to blame. If anyone does not provide for his realatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

-As believers, we are called to care for our relatives and immediate family. If we don't, we are denying our faith and worse than unbeliever. This does not mean that we have lost salvation. Even the lost know they have obligation to care for their family. Therefore when we choose not to care for our family we are not staying true to what we believe.

Deuteronomy 26: 1-2
"When you have entered the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance and have taken possession of it and settled in it, take some of the firstfruits of all that you produce from the soil of the land the Lord your God is giving you and put them in a basket. Then go to the place the Lord your God will choose as a dwelling for his Name..."

- We are to give our firstfruits back to God, not our "lastfruits". Giving your firstfruits shows your faith and trust that you believe the Lord will provide for you.
- Be givers first, not after you have taken care of yourself first and give what you have left over.
- If you hold on tightly to what you have been blessed with then nothing else can get in. If you have an open hand, more is able to be given to you.

2 Corinthians 9:7
"Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. "

- God wants us to be overwhelmed with the opportunity to give.
- You become renewed by the changing of your mind when you try to be more like Christ. He gave us the ultimate example in John 3:16..."God so loved the worl that he GAVE his only son...".

Proverbs 21:20
"In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil, but a foolish man devours all he has."

- In other words...save your money and don't use it all up.
- An emergency fund is important to have. You should be prepared with 3-6 months worth of expenses. Closer to 3 if you both are working and have stable jobs. Closer to 6 months worth if only one of you is working.

Next week Andy will share with us how proper management of finances can improve your sex life!!

Growing in Love

2010-12-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

We have now completed all five love languages. I hope everyone is practicing speaking your spouses language! Remember, that is how we keep the love tanks full and spouses happy!! :)

With the love languages in mind, it is important to understand how to grow in love. As most of us now know, we can't keep a relationship going just on the butterfly feelings we have in the beginning. It takes a little more work than that.

When we come to the point of saying we are in love, most of us are referring to a feeling. The problem with feelings is they are very unpredictable.

- This feeling of being in love always begins with "the tingles".
- They may advance to "an obsession".
- The experience is usually accompanied by "irrational thinking". Something along the lines of, "He/she is "perfect"/NOTHING is more important than being with him/her. Life is not worth living if we can't be together."

The dangers of this experience:

- It gives us an illusion that we have an intimate relationship where no work is required. It just "feels" good.
- It blinds us to our differences. At first you may not notice all the things you don't have in common.
- It leads us to faulty conclusions. We feel as though nothing else matters in life and these "feelings" are permanent.

This "in love" experience can contribute to divorce when the couple comes off the "high". They begin to see each others differences which may create conflict. This conflict leads to fighting and arguing or one or both begin to withdraw. You may then find yourself headed down the wrong path searching for the "tingles" again. More than likely you will find them again, but you are putting yourself back on the same track. Eventually those "tingles" will fade.

THE GREATEST POTENTIAL FOR HAPPINESS IN MARRIAGE IS WITH THE PERSON TO WHOM YOU ARE NOW MARRIED.

Here are some ways to have a good marriage without relying on those "tingles":

- Deal with the "wall" or communication barriers. It may seem difficult at the time but it will be better in the long run to get it over with now.

- Confess to each other but more importantly forgive each other. Christ sets the perfect example for us all.

- Learn your spouses love language and start to speak it. (We should all be pros at this by now! :)

Let's all commit to working toward the marriage Jesus intended for us to have!

Scripture References:

James 1:13-15
1 Corinthians 6:18

Physical Touch

2010-12-12T12:08:00.001-08:00

Last Sunday we covered the last of the five love languages....Physical Touch.

Physical touch can be defined as either sexual or non-sexual touch. This includes holding hands, back rubs, hugs, etc...

It may be a suprise to you, but if non-sexual touches don't communicate love to you, then Physical Touch may not be your primary love language.

Physical touch is one of the fundamental ways of expressing love. It is considered to be a powerful communicator among all types of cultures all over the world. From the time we are born, physical touch is used to express emotions, either good or bad. Just like any of the love languages, when it is used in the opposite way, it hurts the person more deeply if that is their language.

Things to remember about physical touch:

- Not all touches are of equal value. It is important to know what is meaningful to the recipient.
- Communication is extremely important. Help your spouse know what you like!
- Don't assume that a touch that makes you feel loved will make your spouse feel loved.
- Explicit touches: require your full attention; total involvement (back rubs)
- Implicit touches: just take a moment (a passing touch)
- For those with this language, to touch a person's body is to touch them emotionally. Touching or lack there of expresses emotions.
- Physical touch in times of crisis can be the most important thing you do.
- There are consequences of lack of touch. For the receiver, they don't feel loved and can cause them to be filled with resentment. Rather than suffering in silence, wouldn't it be better to request a touch?
- If you are not comfortable with giving physical touch, start with something simple. You learn by doing.

To help you with this and all other love languages, consider asking your spouse the following questions:

1. What can I help you do?

2. How can I make your life easier?

3. How can I be a better spousee to you?

The answers to these will teach you their love language and be a constant reminder of how they need to be loved.

The key to motivation is having the attitude of Christ toward our spouse. We are able to give this much by paying attention to the following:

1. Importance of agape love- how else will we be able to give to our spouses?

2. Importance of communication- this is critical...how do you want to receive it?

3. Importance of commitment. (Ephesians 5: 22-23

4. Importance of attitude. (Phillipians 2: 5-8

Remember, we all need all five love languages, but it reaches deeper when it's your love language!!

Acts Of Service

2010-12-01T14:57:00.000-08:00

This week we covered Love Language #4....Acts of Service.

The saying "Actions speak louder than words" is true for some but not all. It is especially true for those who feel loved by Acts of Service.

An act of service is doing something for your spouse that you know they would appreciate. A common theme tends to be house work but there are many ways to perform an AOS. You can get creative, but an easier way to learn to speak this language would be to have your spouse make of list of things they would like for you to do. Have them put the items in order of importance so you don't waste all you time doing something that isn't all that meaningful to them!

Another way to learn what to do, is listen to your spouse's complaints and you will know exactly what to do! Although this could be avoided if they had made a list to go by. :) Be careful not to fall into the trap of following sterotypes of what you "think" you should do. If you grew up watching a parent show love in one way may not be the way your spouse is loved.

This language is easy to learn especially since we have several examples to follow in ways Jesus showed acts of service. The following verses are just a few examples:

Matthew 20:28 ..."Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Matthew 8:16 "When evening came, many who were demon-possessed were brought to him, and he drove out the spirits with a word and healed all the sick." What an amazing AOS to heal someone who has been a sick or an outcast from being demon-possessed! Can you imagine how grateful they were?!

John 2:1-11 Story of the wedding and how they ran out of wine. Jesus turned the water into wine. Jesus didn't have to do this, but he chose to respond to this heartfelt need. During that time, it was embarrassing to run out of wine and it broke the stong unwritten laws of hospitality. Jesus chose to perform a great AOS by helping prevent any embarrasment.

John 13:1-11 Story of how Jesus washed the disciples' feet. This was a job for a household servant to carry out when guests arrived....only the lowliest slave would do. Instead out of love and willingness to serve, Jesus chose to do this himself. We may not like the job but humble service is an example that Jesus gave for us to follow in all kinds of circumstances.

In all of these we can see that the very heart of love is an attitude of serving the other person. This is a very important part of every marriage whether it's someones Love Language or not!

Go out of your way this week to perform an Act of Service for your spouse!!

Receiving Gifts

2010-11-22T17:55:00.000-08:00

A gift is a visible sign of love or a reminder of emotional love.

To a person whose primary love language is receiving gifts, they feel remembered or loved when they receive a gift. To them it doesn't matter what the gift is or how much it costs, it's the thought that counts. Keep in mind, the thought only counts though if a gift actually comes out of the thought!

If giving gifts doesn't come natural to you, here are some ideas to help you become a gift giver:

1- Make a list of the gifts your spouse has commented on over the years.

2- Recruit your spouses friends or family members to help you.

3- Give whatever is comfortable to give.

4- Make a list of comments they make of things they would like to have.

If you are a saver, you may have to work a little harder at buying gifts. When you save or invest your money, you are actually giving yourself the gift , but neglecting your spouses needs. With that said, you may have to change your attitude about money to adjust to this love language.

On a lighter note, you don't always have to spend money to give gifts. The gift or your prescence can be just as special. Being with your spouse, especially during times of crisis or special occasions can mean just as much to your spouse. If having your spouse with you during these times is important to you, let them know! Don't assume they can read your mind!!

A Thanksgiving Thought- Luke 17: 11-19

Remember the story of how Jesus healed the Lepers. After being social outcasts and isolated, they were finally able to live in their homes, touch their children, have jobs, and go to the temple and worship. Only one considered the source of the blessing they received.

Thankfulness is a conscious response that comes from looking beyond our blessings to their source.

This week, make extra effort to think of all the ways we have been blessed. Be sure to give thanks to the One that makes it all possible!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Quality Time

2010-11-13T09:35:00.000-08:00

This past Sunday we covered the second of the five Love Languages...Quality Time.

Quality Time is giving your spouse undivided attention. But there is a lot more to it than just this. Let's brake it down just a bit...

Dialects of Quality Time

1. Quality Conversations: Getting to know each other

-Set a time to do it; Start with 3 things that happened to you you that day and how you feel about it. Keep eye contact with each other!

-Don't do anything else while you are talking.

-Observe body language to see what they are feeling and not just what they are saying.

-Don't interrupt each other! (The average person listens 17 seconds before interrupting!)

-Quality Conversation involves self revelation. Reveal yourself to your spouse. If you are the one listening, be careful how you respond. This builds intimacy between each other. If you are not in touch with your emotions, try writing your feelings down 3 times a day for a week about how you feel throughout the day. This should help you to open up.

-There are two types of personalities in conversation:
1) Dead Sea- can be content not to talk; are usually the listeners
2) Babbling Brook- tend to talk about everything

Usually in a relationship you have one of each. These never change but you can learn to meet in the middle.

2. Quality Activities: Doing things together

- One wants to do something and the other is willing to join.

-This is important to keep in touch with your spouse. Otherwise, jobs, kids, etc. will slowly allow you to drift apart. It may take some effort, but it is a very important aspect of Quality Time.

-Even if this isn't you or your spouses love language, it is important to spend Quality Time with each other.

As always, we should look to Jesus as the ultimate example. He always showed the importance of spending Quality Time with his Father. This is also his desire for us to spend Quality Time with him. And remember, the closer each of you are to God, the close you will become to each other!!

Scripture:

Mark 1:35
Luke 5:16
Luke 6:12
Matthew 26:36
Proverbs 18:13

Words of Affirmation

2010-10-31T12:01:00.000-07:00

This week we studied one of the 5 love languages....Words of Affirmation.

Words are extremely powerful both in a positive and negative way. We can use them either to affirm our spouse by building them up and encouraging them. Or we can do the exact opposite by criticizing, rejecting, denying, or tearing down. It is obvious that we should only use them to affirm each other!

Words are an important part of intimacy in marriage. Especially if this is your partners primary language! It is important to focus on their primary love language, however we all need to learn how to speak all five. But for now, we will continue to focus on words.

Dialects of Words of Affirmation:

1. Compliments: Make it a habit to compliment each other everyday!

2. Encouraging Words: You could encourage your spouse to take the next step in something they might like to do, but just haven't had the full confidence to do so.

3. Kind Words: Or the manner in which we speak. Don't scream and shout....there is a kind way to say anything!!

4. Humble Words: Make requests not demands. A request affirms your spouse but a demand creates a parent/child relationship.

Sometimes words may not come easy to you. If that is the case, here are some suggestions on how to learn to speak words of affirmation:

1. Make a list of things you like about your spouse.

2. Write one sentence expressing your appreciation of each thing you like about your spouse.

3. Pick one of these and share with your spouse.

Other suggestions:

1. Listen to what others say about their spouse and the way they say it.

2. Use what you read from magazines, cards, music, etc.

3. For some it may be easier to write notes instead of saying them. You could start by this and eventually it will come more natural to say them.

Overall, Words of Affirmation is a powerful communicator of love!

Scripture:

1 Thessalonians 5:4
Proverbs 12:25
Proverbs 15:1

Introduction to Five Love Languages

2010-10-24T16:08:00.000-07:00

Love is the most important yet confusing word in the English Language. We use it to describe our feelings for a wide range of things, for example, from hobbies to intimate relationships.

In our marriages we love each other in many ways, but each person has a primary way that they feel loved by their spouse. In order to make sure that you are filling your spouse with the kind of love they need, it is important to understand and know their primary love language.

There are 5 different love languages:

1- Words of Affirmation

2- Gifts

3- Acts of Service

4- Quality Time

5- Physical Touch

We will break each of these down in the weeks to come.

If you had to guess, what do you think your primary love language is? How about your spouse?

By nature we speak our own love language, but it is important to learn to speak our spouses language instead. This doesn't always come easy so we need to understand what it means to love our spouse in that way. However, when it doesn't come natural, it's a greater expression of love! Love is something you do for somebody else not for yourself.

If you have children, this can also be helpful to understand their love language. To understand what their language is you can try 3 things:

1- Observe their behavior. Do they show you love in certain ways?

2- Notice what they request of you.

3- Observe them with other children.

If we learn to speak the language of spouses and children, it can dramatically change the climate in the home.

More to come next week as we begin looking deeper into each love language!

"Love Life for Every Married Couple"

2010-10-17T15:09:00.000-07:00

This week we covered a preface to The Five Love Languages, which we will begin next week. The preface for this week was taken from the book "Love Life for Every Married Couple", which is highly recommended for every couple to get. It talks about the different componets of love, which helps us better understand love languages. There are 5 different componets, but before I get to these I would like to review several other ideas of love that we talked about.

The word Love is often overused. We use it to describe feelings from our favorite restaurant to our love for our spouse, and everything in between. We must not ignore the emotions of love and the longings they invoke. We also have to recognize the importance of love with its accompanying emotions.

Mistakes about Love:

Jumbled Expressions: odd notions picked up here and there, maybe going back to childhood or absorbed from family practices
Flawed Reasoning due to Cultural Influences: These may come from movies, TV, advertising, books, magazines, or influence of celebrities
Faulty Conclusions based on Personal Experience: Many think they are "experienced" in matters of love and don't need any guidance, advice, or knowledge.

Some Truths about Love:

We can learn what love is from the Bible.
Love is NOT easy or simple. It is an art that we must want to learn and pour our lives into. We can learn how to love.
Love is an active power that we control by our own will. We are not (always) the helpless slave of love. We can CHOOSE to love.
Love is the power that will produce love as we learn to give it rather than strain to attract it.
IN OTHER WORDS-BOTH reason and feelings work together in building a love relationship between husband and wife
While most people consider feelings supremely important, what you THINK about love will control your behavior, and that the desired feelings will come as a result of the right thinking and the right actions.
God has a triggering action that will stir up romance in you as you do those things that cause a response of love in her! (Remember, it starts with the husband...and that really works!)

5 Components of Love

1. Epithumia (Greek)

This form is never called love in the Bible, but is a very important aspect of love between husband and wife.
Represents a strong desire of any kind....good or bad
It can be something you set your heart on, long for, or covet
Most negative way-lust; Positive way-desire

In marriage, husband and wife should have a strong physical desire for each other that expresses itself in pleasurable lovemaking.

2. Eros (Greek)-Does not appear in the New Testament but is in the Old Testament (Hebrew)

This is the idea of romantic love.
Not always sensual, but it does include the idea of yearning to unite with and the desire to possess the beloved
Romantic, passionate, and sentimental
Often the starting point for marriage-the kind of love that lovers fall into and write songs and poems about.
Problem-Eros needs help because it is changeable and cannot last a lifetime by itself. It needs help from the other types of love.

3. Storge (Greek)-Comfortable, old shoe relationship

A sense of belonging to each other
Love shared by parents and children or brothers and sisters
Meets the need we all have to belong, where people care and give the utmost loyalty to each other
Offers an emotional refuge-a place of safety and security

4. Phileo (Greek)- Often in the New Testament

Cherishes and has tender affection for the beloved-but ALWAYS expects a response.
A love of relationship-comradeship, sharing, communication, and friendship
While Eros makes lovers, Phileo makes dear friends who enjoy closeness and companionship; share thoughts, feelings, attitudes, plans (Emotional Intimacy) that wouldn't be shared with anyone else.
Every marriage NEEDS this one-Emotional intimacy is as important as physical intimacy.
This type of love can't survive on it's own.

5. Agape (Greek)-Common in the New Testament

Unselfish love that has the capacity to give and keep on giving without expecting anything in return.
Values and serves
The love God has for us-demonstrated through Christ.
Agape can be brought into any marriage immediately.
It is a choice of will and has no dependence on feelings.
A love of action, not emotion
It focuses on what you do and say rather than how you feel.
A marriage possessing Agape can survive anything!!
Agape love is plugged into an eternal power source, and it can go on operating when every other kind of love fails.
Agape loves no matter what.
It is a deliberate choice of the will.

Unlike love languages, all five of these components are a part of love in marriage. We all need ALL five of these.

Scripture:

1 John 3: 16

1 John 4: 7-12

Commitment

2010-10-13T17:44:00.000-07:00

How do you see your marriage in 50 years?

-For most of us, our outlook is affected by our parent's experience.

Another question to think about....Do you believe you were born for each other?

-God is orchestrating everything and it's no accident that He put us together.

"Love is a divine thing." In other words, we cheat ourselves our of what God intended marriage to be if we don't fully commit to each other. Marriage is more than just permanent; it's a commitment to each other. For most of us, our generation has taken commitment lightly. So it is important that we re-evaluate what commitment/marriage really means.

There are many ways you can "give" yourself to your spouse. A few of them are:

- Sexually
- Emotionally
- Physically (non-sexual)
- Spiritually

What does commitment in mariage really mean?

- Always put each other first
- Give ourselves completely
- Fulfill our marriage vows....It's not just for the better, rich, and health. There will also be times of worse, poor, and sickness. We are commited to these just as well.
- TO WALK WITH GOD: The closer each of you are to God individually, the closer you you become together. (The triangle effect)

The condition of your marriage in 50 years is determined by what you start building now!!

Scripture:

Luke 9: 23
Luke 9:51

Prayer Requests:

Trey Ludwig- His dad needs open heart surgery in January

Allison Cantrell- Pray for her mom's health.

Art of Romance II

2010-10-13T17:16:00.000-07:00

For romance to continue in a marriage, what begins as "instinctive" must become discipline.

Relationships build over time-start investing NOW for later.

Don't let yourself fall into the BIG "IF" pattern...If only you would be that kind of husband/wife, then....I will be responsive.

The lack of romance in a marriage could lead your spouse to find fulfillment in other ways. If we are not careful this could lead to a chain of events that could result in an affair. Here are a few things to look out for that could lead you in the wrong direction....

The Six "E's" of an Affair:

1- Elimination of tenderness/responsiveness
2- Encounter: Meets someone else-innocent at first (we do for them what we will not do for our spouse...praise, support, compliments, etc..)
3- Enjoyment-getting our emotional needs met by someone else
4- Expedited-find reasons to encounter the other person
5- Expression-act out what we are feeling
6- Experience-the affair

To avoid any of the above, make sure and periodically evaluate your relationship and make sure you are doing the following, which makes for great romance:

- Learn to be courteous
- Be together- Have a date night!
- Be expressive- Tell each other how you feel....share your feelings!
- Be affectionate- Non-sexual
- Be creative
- Be thoughtful
- Be energetic- Put something into it
- Be insightful- HOW we love our spouse

Scripture:

1 Corinthians 7: 3-5
James 1: 14-15

The Art of Romance

2010-09-30T15:26:00.000-07:00

The key to making marriage last a lifetime is....ROMANCE!

Men, you are responsible for setting the tone in romance. A good start is praising your wife by focusing on the following:

-her character
-her beauty
-on how she delights in you
-on intimate praise
-on how she blesses you
-on showing her respect
-on elevating her

This is what women want and when they get this, the men get what they want! Remember, when we give is when we get what we want! Love languages play a big part in this. If you are speaking each others love language, it becomes natural to fulfill your spouses needs or desires.

Women are responsbile for giving men the following:

-Respect
-Responsiveness (not just sexually)
-Spontaneity
-Creativity

It's ok to rely on God even for sexual needs! If you need to pray for the desire, go ahead. He wants us to rely on him for any and everything.

Whatever you do, remember, romance will die if left unattended. We must all make it intentional to keep the spark alive!

Verse to review: Ephesians 5:22,25

Conflict

2010-09-23T16:42:00.000-07:00

The #1 goal in conflict is RECONCILIATION....not WINNING!

5 Keys to Conflict Resolution:

1- Don't react to your mate
2- Let God do the chastening
3- Resolution: How can I change myself?
4- Communication
5- Forgiveness

17 Things we should never do during conflict:

1- Never raise your voice. Harsh words stir up anger.
2- Don't publicly embarrass your mate.
3- Never argue in front of children.
4- Don't use kids to win an argument.
5- Don't talk outside of the relationship. Never go to a friend or coworker rather than discussing the issue with your mate.
6- Never use sex to win.
7- Never touch in anger.
8- Never call names.
9- Never get historical.
10- Never stomp out.
11- Never freeze your mate out by refusing to talk.
12- Never use your in laws
13- Never reason in face of pain....don't give reason for why you have hurt your mate.
14- Never let the sun go down on your wrath and give the devil a foothold. Don't go to bed mad!
15- Never reverse an argument.
16- Never refuse to listen.
17- Never harden yourself toward your spouse by getting defensive.

Remember....the #1 book on marriage is the Bible!

Here are a few verses to go over together:

Ephesians 5:25
James 1:19
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
Proverbs 15:1
Galatians 5:22
Colossians 3:1-3
Ephesians 4:26-27
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Jeremiah 31:34

Prayer Requests:

Emmy Ray- Her friend Anne M. is very sick and fighting for her life. They still don't really know what is going on. She is in Barcelona which is even scarier. There is a possibility that she could be there for 7+ months. Please visit this website for more on her story: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/annemahlum.com

Daniel Ray- His friend Brandon Hilton's mother has a heart issue. His friend Lennon Carns, 3 year old is in the hospital. His sister Alyson Corley could possibly need surgery. And again, Emmy's friend Anne who is very sick.

Carly Durham- My 17 year old brother was sentenced to 90 days in jail on 09/16. Please pray that this would have a positive outcome and that his mind would be transformed. So far my blood pressure has been great during pregnancy, but they found elevated levels of protein in my kidneys which they are a little concerned about. I will be seeing a renal specialist soon. Please pray that they would find out what is causing all of this.

Please pray for the people that you know that need to be here and that the Holy Spirit would speak to their hearts. Also, pray for the couples already involved that we would see what God intended for our marriages to be!!

Look forward to seeing you all Sunday!

The Art of Attraction

2010-09-08T13:02:00.001-07:00

Today we started the Song of Solomon video series by Tommy Nelson

"Romantic relationships affect everyone. Do we think that God has given us desire and passion without any instruction? Has God given us romance and tossed it to us like a grenade? Did He just say 'play around with it and you'll figure it out?' No, He has given us an entire book with deals with all of this and more. It's called the Song of Solomon." --Tommy Nelson

Based on what God knows about us, says Tommy Nelson, He has provided an instruction manual in the Song of Solomon with eight very enlightening, explicit, and highly practical chapters on the topics of love, sex and intimacy.

Many of you are probably asking how we can listen to Solomon when he had 700 wives? It is because God inspired Solomon to record his relationship with this woman as a model for how it should be.

Solomon's Song of Songs.

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you! Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers. We rejoice and delight in you ; we will praise your love more than wine. How right they are to adore you! Dark am I, yet lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar, like the tent curtains of Solomon. Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother's sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I have neglected. Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday. Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends? If you do not know, most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the sheep and graze your young goats by the tents of the shepherds. I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh. Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. We will make you earrings of gold, studded with silver. While the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance. My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts. My lover is to me a cluster of henna blossoms from the vineyards of En Gedi. How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming! And our bed is verdant. The beams of our house are cedars; our rafters are firs.

The first eight verses are about attraction.

In verse five this woman is looking into her past to when she first met Solomon. Her brothers made her work out in the field. She is hardworking, kind and giving, and she submits to authority. However, she didn't have the time to take care of herself (vineyard).

Verse seven shows that she is moral. She won’t give up her relationship with God for a man. She is a "bright light" who won’t use sex and give up her relationship with Christ for a man.

Verse eight tells of how a young man and young woman who know God come together.

A man must have the right relationship with God before he can have the right relationship with a woman. God has modeled Solomon's relationship with this woman to show us how the right marriage relationship should be. We can take many lessons from this. We should hold out for the right person. We must go where great people go and we must become the type person that the type person we are looking for prays for. If we compromise ourselves for less, we'll get less.

Dani told us that a friend of hers once told her “A woman should be so caught up in God that a man must find God to find her”. Ladies I think this is something that we should always strive for.

Announcements

September 12 is the Outdoor Baptism at Paris Mountain State Park. This will be an amazing experience for all who attend. Please plan to be there. Parking is limited so carpool if possible.

The new modern worship service begins this Sunday, September 12. This will be held at 11:30 a.m. Life groups will be at 10 am for the Newlywed/Nearlywed group as well as those of us moving to the new class with Mitch and Dani. These classes will both meet in the Fellowship Hall. Carly and Will Durham will stay with the Newlywed class as co-teachers with Sally and Mike Holmes.

Supper Club will be held on Saturday, September 18 at 6pm. This will be hosted by Matthew and Lesa. Let me know if you didn’t receive the invite and I’ll make sure if gets to you.

Prayers/Praises

Brentley and Todd Reeves – Their daughter Shaylor is starting to ask a lot of questions about Christ. She is close to making her public profession to Christ.

Sarah had surgery on Wednesday. Please keep her in your prayers.

Todd Reeves – Please pray over Mitch this week. He had the injection today. Hopefully this will ease his pain.

Jeff and April Beveridge – unspoken

Emi and Daniel Ray – (Congrats to the Newlyweds!) They have a friend who is moving to Texas. Pray for their travel and pray for guidance once they are there. They also have a friend who is having major family problems. Pray over Emi and Daniel as they make the adjustments into their married life.

Lesa Addington – Her aunt is in the hospital. She has had 4 surgeries on her leg in the last couple of weeks. She may have to have her leg amputated at her thigh.

Money Management in Marriage

2010-08-31T07:59:00.000-07:00

Today Dan talked to us about finances and gave us some of his money management tips.

We should serve God, not money. How we spend our money and how we consider the use of our money shows where our heart is. It reveals what we value and what we trust.

Money is blamed for divorce more than any other thing.

Having money or lack thereof isn’t what causes a marriage to fail, but it reveals other problems.

The Bible talks more about money than any other subject. There are 2,350 verses just about money! We can't neglect this subject as a part of our Christian duty. How we treat money reveals our heart, who we trust, who we really are!

Matthew 6:31-34 - So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Luke 12:32-34 - Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

1 Timothy 6:6-11 - But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.

Luke 9:25 - What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?

Matthew 6:19-21 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Psalm 24:1 The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it. It’s all Gods…none belongs to us. What God gave us to use for his glory

Below are Dan’s Money Management Guidelines.

1. Set your money management goals and values through prayer & agreement with each other and live by them. Agreement is critical. Have a clear purpose. If you do not aim at a target you will not hit anything. Some examples are:
* Pay off credit cards and be free of consumer debt.
* Be debt free
* Set giving goals of regular giving and special giving.
* Own your home
* Save for emergencies
* Save for education, or further children’s needs.
* Support your parents in old age
* Decide if wife will stay home with children
* Hobbies, travel, recreation
* Retirement

2. Establish a budget (monthly cash flow) based on agreed values. Update it every year. Having a budget removes the impulse of emotional decision making.

3. Find a job you enjoy doing. It represents 2080+ hours a year of your life. Work hard and be good at your job as you would honor the Lord.

BUT
4. Leave your job at the office. Put your family before your job.

5. Never buy a car at night. The bright lights make it shine and you can’t see the dents

6. Buy used cars

7. Never grocery shop when you are hungry

8. The price for nearly everything is negotiable. Furniture, hotel rooms, cars; you name it. Ask for a discount.

9. Decide what you need before you go shopping. Get what you need and go home. Never buy on an impulse or in a hurry. If the seller says you must buy now (buy before midnight or lose the deal), walk away.

10. Shop before you buy to get the best value

11. I strongly recommend that married couples have one shared bank account. You are to be one. If you can’t trust one another with your money, you have some big issues to deal with.

12. Balance your checking account every month.

13. Pay off your credit cards every month. Do not be late or you will get hammered with 21.99 percent interest. Use only one card. Debt robs you of freedom and causes stress.

14. Do not miss payments. But if you do, call and ask to be forgiven for late charges. It will still be on your record.

15. If you get a raise, do not raise your life style to spend it all. Live well within your means.

16. Give to a charity you know the details of or are involved in. Be open to give what the Lord tells you to give, 10 % or more.

17. Save 10% or more of what you make. Pay attention to your investments and be knowledgeable of them but do not be consumed or worry over them. Save, but don’t just live for the future. Live every day.

18. Agree on your investments and both of you should know what you have and what it is invested in. Keep good records. Get a file cabinet and folders.

19. Don’t waste money. $4 per day for a Starbucks coffee adds up to $1040 of after tax earnings per year. At a 30% federal and state tax rate that is $1486 of earnings per year. Pack your own lunch.

20. You can find good stuff at garage sales.

21. Pay cash for all toys.

22. Have a will

23. Camp on vacation. You will focus on your family, get to know them better, and spend less money.

24. Give gifts from the heart, not from the check book.

25. Don’t speed. The tickets and added insurance cost runs into serious wasted money.

26. Don’t short change others. Pay what you owe including taxes. Tip well and pay a fair wage to those who work for you.

27. Remember every penny is God’s, given to you for His glory.

Announcements!

Sarah Cooper needs a place in her front yard repaired. Mitch wants anyone who can help out to be at her home at 8am Saturday morning Sept 4. Please contact Mitch via phone or email for directions/other info.

Outdoor Baptism will be held September 12, 4:30 pm, Paris Mountain State Park

Girlfriends and Chocolate event is tonight at the church from 6:30-8:30. Special guest: Frankie Sherman author of “Why we Need Girlfriends”

For those of you with children, Mom to Mom is starting in September. It will take place on Tuesday mornings at 10am. Contact the Women’s Ministry Desk for more information.

There Is No Plan B

2010-08-07T13:44:00.001-07:00

We focused on the verses John 14: 1-6
In these verses, Jesus is preparing to leave the disciples. He is telling them what He wants them to do after he is gone. We value a person's last words and always try to follow through on any requests that our loved ones have as they pass from this earth. These are some of Jesus's last teachings/promises to the disciples...and to us. They are valuable!

In verses 1 and 2, Jesus encouraged His followers to continue to believe in the God...the God who had acted on His people's behalf throughout scripture. He charges them to have faith in Him. That faith would see them through any of the trials the were promised to face. He also promises that He is who He says He is, that heaven is real and He will be there with us. The disciples, His followers, could not go with Him yet. Jesus was leaving to prepare a place for them, and He needed them to stay and complete the mission. David Platt states that believers ask what God's will is for their lives and ask it as if God’s will has actually been lost, and they must search for it. David shares the good news of this not being the case; God has actually revealed His general will for us. His mission to reach the nations is also His will for our lives. Christ may have left earth but He has left us to remain living His truth and mission in the world (pp. 159–160).

In verse 3, Jesus reassures us that He will come back to take us to the place He has prepared. I can't imagine what God had prepared for me! He knows me so well...He created me. I know that it will be the most perfect room, and I will know that I am loved when I see it. But even more awesome than this incredible room will be the fact that I will be in His amazing presence...everyday!!!

In verses 4-6, we learn that the ONLY way to receive salvation is through Christ. We are totally separate from God. There is NO means for us to reach Him except through Jesus Christ and the blood He shed for our undeserving souls. Not works...you can't do enough good. He is the way...He is truth...He is life!

So here is the hard part...what happens to the man/woman in Africa, Asia, Russia, etc that has never heard about Jesus? Look back at verse 6...NO ONE comes to the Father except through me. Hard to swallow, right? But if people could get to heaven another way, then Jesus' death on the cross would be unnecessary. This thought often makes us feel uncomfortable about God; we question His goodness. In actuality, we should question what we are doing to ensure people have the opportunity to choose a relationship with Christ. God made the way and commissioned us to tell the world. In 124 years, Coca-Cola has been able to reach the most remote places in the world with their product...while Jesus walked the earth 2,000 years ago and knowledge of God and His promise of the Messiah has been around even longer...and there are many remote places in the world that haven't heard yet.

Why are we so quiet? We have been given a gift...eternal life! And someone, Jesus Christ, died so that we would have it...shouldn't we tell someone? In today's world, we want to make sure we don't step on toes, that we are politcally correct, or that we avoid ridicule? Would we rather watch our loved ones go to hell than to step on their toes? Jesus loves us...all of us, but He is the only way! And turning a blind/accepting eye to all religions and beliefs makes what light of what He did on the cross for us. Luke 6:26 says "Woe to you, when all people speak well of you, for so their fathers did to the false prophets." Popularity is not the goal...man's praise is not the goal...salvation through Christ for all mankind IS! We have to tell them...there is no plan B!

Prayer requests:
Rebecca's new job (yay!)...and daycare for Logan since she is working
Rebecca's mom is having trouble with her parents
Church transition, August is a month of preparation for the changes happening in September. Please be in prayer about friends/family that you can bring to hear about Jesus and what He has done for us!

Radical Chapter 6 - How much is Enough? American Wealth and a World of Poverty

2010-07-28T08:58:00.001-07:00

Christ spoke more about money than any other single subject in the bible.

Dan challenged us with the following questions:

If you won the lottery and had a million dollars of tax free money, what would you do with it?
Here were some of our answers:

10% tithe
Pay off debt
Corvette
Golf lessons
10% savings
Samaritan’s purse
Help family
Local charities
Full time nanny/maid
Scholarships for underprivileged children and cancer patients

What percentage would you give away?
30-40%

If you have a combined family income of $50,000 before taxes, how would you budget this money?
Here were some of our answers:

Taxes 25%
Tithe 10%
Mortgage 25%
Insurance 5%
Utilities 10%
Food 10 %
Fun 15%

What are your life’s goals and priorities?
Here were some of our answers:

God
Christian principles
Taking care of family
Serving
Financial Responsibility
Health
Godly friends
To please God

Now let’s compare all three.
In all of these examples, we should strive to have our life’s goals and principles in order. God should be first always! Even in the situations that involve money. There are many pressures that keep us from doing what God wants us to do.

How much is enough?
We give out of excess, rather than out of sacrifice. Is this right?

Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

You do what you want to do, and buy what you want to buy, but are your desires in the right place? If you have a heart for God, you’ll do God’s work.

Where is the heart of your life? What if your preoccupation? Where are your thoughts? House, Bank Account, furniture, stocks, bonds, savings…or is it God?

Matthew 25:34-40 Then the King will say to those on His right, 'Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 'For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.' Then the righteous will answer Him, 'Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?' )The King will answer and say to them, 'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.'

Any time you help the least person, you are doing it for God.

Having wealth is not evil-it is by God’s grace that you are blessed. It is what you do with your riches that matters. When you don’t extend your wealth to glorify God, he will eventually take it away.

James 5:1-6 Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon you. Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. Look! The wages you failed to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered innocent men, who were not opposing you.

Works don’t earn you salvation. Caring for the needy won’t get you into heaven, but if we aren't doing these things, is our heart really for God?

1 Timothy 6:9 People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction.

1 Timothy 6:17-22 Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life. Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to your care. Turn away from godless chatter and the opposing ideas of what is falsely called knowledge, which some have professed and in so doing have wandered from the faith. Grace be with you.

Mark 10: 17-22 As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. "Good teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life? Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.'" "Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy." Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Possessions were a barrier between he and God.

Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Are my possessions keeping me from doing what God wants me to do?

Mark 10:23-24
Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!" The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, "Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God!

Do you struggle with your wealth and possessions? If so, this is keeping you from eternal treasure...if so what can we do?

1. Examine your heart. Ask yourself if you are walking with God and if you are on the same page with God.
2. Based on that belief, you have to get your heart right with God.
3. Your daily walk will become what God wants for you.
4. Look for opportunities. Samaritans Purse, local ministries

Announcements!

Single Mom’s oil change will be held Saturday, August 7. This will be held at 9am in the parking lot of the old post office across the street from the church. Sign up if you have not done so.

Congrats to Jeff Beveridge. He joined Taylors this week!

Happy Birthday to Marsha!

A Multiplying Community

2010-07-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

As a follower to Christ, what is the impact you hope to make on this world before you leave it? Have you ever thought about that? Has Christ's Great Commission ever made any sort of impact on you? Does it make you want to reach people for God. God's heart and passion is for us to reach people for him. We re expected to do more than go to church on Sunday. Taylor's First Baptist Church is starting on a mission journey and we all have a role! How will you help?

What do the words evangelism and discipleship mean to you? Jesus intended for these actions to be common in the life of a Christian. We can enjoy the responsibility of reaching the world for him when we accept his call and work under his authority while relying on his strength.

As followers of Christ, we carry out his disciple making work through his authority as indicated in Matthew: 28:17-18.

17When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.

Why did some of the disciples doubt even after seeing a risen Christ? Even today, some Christians doubt it.

Why might it be important for Jesus to assure his disciples the held authority over all things? (He is still in control no matter what is happening, or what persecution befalls us)

Jesus authority makes him able to oversee the church and his personal representative on earth to carry out his commission.

Why is it important for believers to remember our ministry outreach to others should be under his authority? He commissioned us because of his power. It is our choice to serve and fulfill the mission.

In the original text the word go is used as a participle. This makes the work highlight the circumstances within which the command was to be carried out...it is really like saying "as you go" ...."Therefore as you go" to fulfill the plan of Christ, the plan is not based on the right building or people, but more on having the right community of people that were called, equipped, and enabled to carry out the purpose. AS CHRISTIANS WE ALL POSSESS THE SAME CALL ACCORDING TO JESUS.

The last words people speak are often very important.

Christ's last words tell us that as followers of Christ, we are called to:

Make disciples of all nations
Baptize disciples
Teach disciples to obey them Christ

How does understanding what Jesus means when he said "GO" influence your response to the Commission? We go out every day for God. There is no area of our daily life that is excluded from the great commission. Disciple making is about relationships and foster those relationships to bring others to God, to serve God, and to know him better. Our responsibility for sharing occurs where ever we are, whether in our own backyard of halfway around the world.

We have comfort:
God is always with us when we work to fulfill the Great Commission. We may face fear, rejection, persecution, arrest, death, opposition and many more, but Jesus promised to be with US!

Jesus seemed to stake everything on relationships and especially his relationship with his disciples. After he spent his life on earth with them he said, "Now you go and do the same with others."

***Excerpts taken from Radical by David Platt as well as from on line from Life Bible Study notes Chapter 5: The Multiplying Community

Radical Lessons Continued

2010-07-15T07:01:00.001-07:00

Psalm 67
1 May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face shine upon us 2 that your ways may be known on earth, your salvation among all nations. 3 May the peoples praise you, O God; may all the peoples praise you. 4 May the nations be glad and sing for joy, for you rule the peoples justly and guide the nations of the earth. 6 Then the land will yield its harvest, and God, our God, will bless us. 7 God will bless us, and all the ends of the earth will fear him.

An exert from Chapter 4 of Radical by David Platt - After spending a week around precious children who eat a small cup of porridge a day, the question I have come back to Birmingham asking God is why he has blessed me when others have so little. And this is what God has shown me: "I have blessed you for my glory. Not so you will have a comfortable life with a big house and a nice car. Not so you can spend lots of money on vacations, education, or clothing. Those aren't bad things, but I've blessed you so that the nations will know me and see my glory."

Does our congregation have a shared burden for missions?

Do you think our church is aware that we’ve been blessed so that we can share with others?

Have you ever prayed and asked God to pray over you so that you can bless others?

We were created to take the Gospel to the ends of the earth. David Platt tells us that anything less than radical devotion to this purpose is unbiblical Christianity.

If you had to summarize the message of Christianity, what would you say?
To bring glory to God and extend his glory to the world

Lets break down the parts of Psalm 67
1 May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face shine upon us 2 that your ways may be known on earth, your salvation among all nations.

What did the people want from God?
His gracious blessing

Some blessings that God gives us are freedom, health, each other, children, friends, money, jobs, clothes, food, house, transportation

What was the purpose of them wanting his blessings?
So that he would be known among the nations

How do we make sure he is known to the nations?
Prayer, send people, tithe, missions

Every day that we don’t spread the word to others, we are sending those people straight into the fire. Have you ever looked at it this way?

3 May the peoples praise you, O God; may all the peoples praise you. 4 May the nations be glad and sing for joy, for you rule the peoples justly and guide the nations of the earth. 5 May the peoples praise you, O God; may all the peoples praise you.

What were they seeking?
Nations to praise God

Once the nations know him God will be praised.
How do we praise him? Sing, work, prayer, sacrificing

6 Then the land will yield its harvest, and God, our God, will bless us.
7 God will bless us, and all the ends of the earth will fear him.

When we praise him, he blesses us. This is one big cycle that keeps repeating itself. If we do what God commands us to do, he will bless us.

The message of biblical Christianity is not "God loves me, period, " as if we were the object of our own faith. The message of biblical Christianity is "God loves me so that I might make him--his ways, his salvation, his glory and his greatness--known among all nations." Now God is the object of our faith, and Christianity centers around him. We are not the end of the Gospel; God is.

How can we develop more of a heart for the nations?

Welcome!
Kayla Farr
Justin Bell
Ernest & Heather Hildebrand

Announcements!
Single Mom’s Oil Change is on Saturday, August 7. Please plan to help out. The men usually change oil and the women talk with the mom's while they are in the waiting area. This is a great opportunity for outreach.

Saturday, July 24 is our annual Guys Golfin' Girls Loafin' Day. We'll meet up around 11am at Greer Country Club. We'll have a cookout that evening after the pool closes.

Radical - Lesson 1

2010-06-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

What is your definition of devotion?

Dedication
Commitment
Great love
Sacrifice

Think about your walk with Christ this week and the time you’ve given to Him. How much risk is involved in any of that? Does it cost you anything? We can’t share with others because it makes us uncomfortable, but look at these people in Chapter 1. Isn’t it profound what they do and what they risk for Christ?

What makes our dedication to our spiritual life profound? How is it different than other things in your life?

Hebrews 12:4 4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

Luke 14:25-33 25Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: 26"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. 27And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
28"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? 29For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, 30saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'
31"Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? 32If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. 33In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

What does it take to be a disciple of Christ?

Hate others and self in comparison
Surrender
Sacrifice
Count the cost
Renounce all that you have
Willingness to change (us)
Full abandonment
Adjust to God’s will

Where does our time go? Where is God? Does he fit in anywhere?
Remember the Law of Priority
1. God
2. Spouse
3. Children
4. Church, family, friends
5. Work

The bible says that God should be our number one priority. Where do you put your money, time and energy? Where you put your time and money is what is important to you-it's your God. If you are really honest about this, you can see where your priorities are. If they are not in the order that they should be, you can make changes.

Full abandonment requires (Luke 14:33) 33In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

When you see the cross, what do you see? Pain, suffering, forgiveness, Easter were some of our answers.

Why is it the case that we become our own hindrance when trying to follow Jesus and do the right thing? Most of us fear getting out of our comfort zone. Does God just want us to be comfortable or does he want us to spread the word?

Think about your lost friends. If they read this book, will they answer these questions the way you would?

When you see others who are filled with the spirit don’t just be in awe of them and wish you could be like that, make it your goal to be like that. You must work to reach a goal, so work towards this goal.

How bad do you want it?

Welcome!
Chrissie and Bryan Wood

Prayer Requests!

April Beveridge – her mom is battling cancer. Please keep her in your prayers.

Lyndsey and Ryan Ridgeway – Ryan’s grandfather is not doing well and may not make it. Please keep him in your prayers.

Heather Wyatt and Jason Hyche - Their cousin David Nelson is fighting a rare form of T-Cell Lymphoma- it was in his sinus cavities and since then has travelled to his brain. They will be pulling him off the ventilator today and God will be in control then. He is 29 yrs old and has two children-Braden 5 yr old, Ethan 2 yr old and his Wife Jenny is pregnant with the 3rd.

Lori and Tim Stone – Tim’s dad fell and has a mild concussion. Please pray that God watches over him.

Announcements!

Friday June 25 is the Patriotic Celebration at the Peace Center Amphitheatre. Please come and invite others.

July 10 is our date for Habitat for Humanity.

Radical

2010-06-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

This week we started covering the book Radical by David Platt. This will be an 8 week study.

In Radical, David Platt challenges you to consider with an open heart how we have manipulated the gospel to fit our cultural preferences. He shows what Jesus actually said about being his disciple-then invites you to believe and obey what you have heard. And he tells the dramatic story of what is happening as a “successful” suburban church decides to get serious about the gospel according to Jesus.

Finally, he urges you to join The Radical Experiment-a one-year journey in authentic discipleship that will transform how you live in a world that desperately needs the Good News Jesus came to bring. (taken from the back cover of Radical)

Luke 14:33 Any of you who does not give up everything you have cannot be my disciple

If God told you to drop everything and follow him, would you? Could you? Is Jesus worth this to you?

Church isn’t for the saved, it’s for the lost. We should come to church, get the message, and then take it and share it with those who do not know the word of God. We are commanded to get out of our comfort zone of simply being fed by the word and get out there and share the Gospel.

Statistically 99% of people that came to church today cannot tell you what last week’s sermon was about. That is an alarming statistic!

Matthew 7:13 -14 13"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

It isn’t about us; it is about what God wants us to do.

What does it mean to you to follow Jesus?

Jesus says the same things to us that he said to the people of the 1st Century, yet too many people interpret the bible and say “what Jesus meant was this”. We twist the words God speaks into what they mean to us. We make interpretations to suit us. Do you honestly think the people who followed Jesus then made interpretations of what they think he meant?

Dive into who Jesus is and what the Gospel really is.

Our relationship with Christ is supposed to make all of our other relationships look like hate.

We should ask ourselves…how many times did I talk with my spouse today? How many times did I talk with my children or my family members or friends today? How many times did I talk to God today? What do you think would happen if we took the time to talk to Him; if we put as much time and effort into Him as we put into ourselves and our wants and desires? Think about it!

Welcome!
Lindsay McKinney and Ryan Ridgeway
Sara St.Clair

Prayer Requests
Please pray for April Beveridge's mom. She has breast cancer and is starting radiation.

Announcements!
Friday, June 25 is the Patriotic Celebration at the Peace Center Amphitheatre.

More on Communication from Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans.

2010-05-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

Today we watched the video from the Marriage on the Rock series.

Although we have had one lesson on this, Jimmy shared some more thoughts on the matter through his video. Please review the former post from 5/19 when reviewing this material.

Proverbs 18:20-21 from the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.

Matthew 12:36 But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken.

Two individuals cannot truly know one another without communication.

Positive communication is based on a large degree of positive words. Remember that we have the power of life and death in our tongues.

The atmosphere in our homes depends on your words. If we are always positive with our words, then our home will be a sanctuary. However, if every word that comes from our mouths is negative, our home will be a very dark and unwelcoming place.

We should strive to make our home a place where our spouse wants to be; where words are positive and welcoming.

4 Predictors of Divorce

1) Criticism. If you have a spirit of criticism or sarcasm towards your spouse.

2) Defensiveness. If you won't let your spouse complain, you are setting yourself up for disaster. In not letting your spouse voice their concerns, you are telling them "I don't care what you have to say and I don't want you to complain because you are the problem."

3) Contempt. This is aged anger. The problem has been in your marriage for a long time and has not been resolved. You cannot remember what brought you together as a couple and you forget why you married this person, or even why you love them.

4) Stonewalling. This is when you tell your spouse either in verbal or nonverbal ways "don't bring it up." This can be anything that the two of you disagree on-children, parents, sex, etc.

Although conflicts will happen in your marriage, how we deal with them is what matters. Again, please review the 5/19 post that preceded the video.

Announcements

Saturday, June 5 is Supper Club. Please RSVP to Natalie and Clay's evite so they know who plans to attend. If you did not get the evite, let me know and I'll make sure it gets to you.

June 6 at 6pm is the Modern Night of Worship. Please plan to attend the special event, as the church is trying to reach our age group with this upcoming 3rd service. Invite others to join you so that we can make this a success.

Volunteers are needed for the Summer Spectacular July 12-16. You must have been a member of the church for at least 6 months to volunteer.

June 25 is the Patriotic Celebration at the Peace Center Amphitheater. Please plan to attend and invite others. This will start at 7pm that evening, and is a free event.

Saturday, July 24 we will have a Guys Golf/Girls Pool Day at Greer Country Club. We will then have a cookout there that evening.

Prayer Requests

Please pray for Todd and Brentley Reeves and their family. Todd's dad passed away this week.

Personality Types

2010-05-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

Sunday, May 23

Today's lesson was taught by Ken and Kathy Dority. This is a study of personality types.

When it comes to personality profiles, most have heard of Myers-Briggs, Ned Herrmann’s Whole Brain, Galen’s four temperaments, DiSC assessment, and the Keirsey Temperament Sorter. One of the lesser known profiles, but just as insightful, was developed by Gary Smalley and John Trent. They base their personalities around animal characteristics. Not only are these entertaining but they are very easy for children to grasp as well.

While these personality types are broad categories, they are very easy to remember and communicate. This is extremely helpful when dealing with all different types of people. Knowing their temperaments can make life in the home and work environment run much smoother.

Knowing what category both you and your spouse fit into will help you better communicate with one another.

Lion (Choleric/Dominance)

Strengths– Visionary, practical, productive, strong-willed, independent, decisive, leader

Weaknesses– Cold, domineering, unemotional self-sufficient, unforgiving, sarcastic, cruel

Lions are leaders, inspirational, generals, win fights, presidents of a company or they think they are. They take charge of other people. Lions intimidate with boldness. They are good coordinators. They are usually right. Lions are pushy, overbearing, and they move people aside to get things done. They are demanding especially as babies. "I want it now". If you try to tell them they are wrong, it will be a 2 hour confrontation before they agree with you. Lions need to express their anger. When stressed they need time to relax. Lions are dictators under pressure.

This personality likes to lead. The lion is good at making decisions and is very goal-oriented. They enjoy challenges, difficult assignments, and opportunity for advancement. Because lions are thinking of the goal, they can step on people to reach it. Lions can be very aggressive and competitive. Lions must learn not to be too bossy or to take charge in other's affairs.

Biblical Example: Paul
Case Study: Acts 9:3-19
Strength: Goal-oriented, strong, direct
Weakness: Argumentative, too dictatorial

Limitation: Doesn't understand that directness can hurt others, hard time expressing grace

Otter (Sanguine/Influence)

Strengths– Outgoing, responsive, warm, friendly, talkative, enthusiastic, compassionate

Weaknesses– Undisciplined, unproductive, exaggerates, egocentric, unstable

Otters are a party waiting to happen, entertainers, networkers, fun, worthwhile to have around. They don't keep promises. They may not show up at a party because they are at another party and forgot. Otters take dangerous, foolish risks. They give verbal attacks when under pressure. Otters are best friends with everybody; then forget they knew you. They play practical jokes. To relax they need to talk more and be sociable.

Otters are very social creatures. Otter personalities love people. They enjoy being popular and influencing and motivating others. Otters can sometimes be hurt when people do not like them. Otter personalities usually have lots of friends, but not deep relationships. They love to goof-off. (They are notorious for messy rooms.) Otters like to hurry and finish jobs. (Jobs are not often done well.) The otter personality is like Tigger in Winnie The Pooh.

Biblical Example: Peter
Case Study: John 21:1-22
Strength: People person, open, positive
Weakness: Talks too much, too permissive
Limitation: Remembering past commitments, follow through with discipline

Golden Retriever (Phlegmatic/Steadiness)

Strengths– Calm, easy-going, dependable, quiet, objective, diplomatic, humorous

Weaknesses– Selfish, stingy, procrastinator, unmotivated, indecisive, fearful, worrier

Golden Retrievers are sensitive nerve endings of our society. If you marry one, they won't leave you. They stick to decisions forever. Golden Retrievers have kind, loving eyes. They are so sensitive that they are easily hurt. They are stubborn when offended. Golden Retrievers have to think about things one month in advance in order to be spontaneous. They can't say no when they want to. They are not good at coming to a decision. When they are angry or stressed they need to be alone, they don't want to talk, they become overly submissive and tend to distance themselves and hide. Golden Retrievers avoid conflict.

Golden Retrievers are good at making friends. They are very loyal. Retriever personalities do not like big changes. They look for security. They can be very sensitive. They are very caring. Golden Retrievers have deep relationships, but usually only a couple of close friends. They want to be loved by everyone. They look for appreciation. They work best in a limited situation with a steady work pattern.

Biblical Example: Abraham
Case Study: Genesis 12-22
Strength: Accommodating, calm, affirming
Weakness: Indecisive, indifferent, unable to express emotional, too soft on other people

Limitation: Seeing the need to be more assertive, holding others accountable

Beaver (Melancholy/Compliance)

Strengths– Analytical, self-disciplined, industrious, organized, aesthetic, sacrificing

Weaknesses– Moody, self-centered, touchy, negative, unsociable, critical, revengeful

Beavers enjoy writing and reading nonfiction. They are good at staying healthy. Beavers are great with money, and they prefer quality belongings. They will redo something already done by you to "do it right". Beavers sometimes feel uncomfortable in their homes because they want it to stay perfectly clean. They are too serious and you must be careful not to get in trouble with them. Beavers take the longest making decisions. They color coordinate their socks, fold dirty laundry, etc. Beavers are the hardest on themselves. They are late alot of the time because they won't quit until they are finished with a project but they make up for it by staying the latest. When under pressure Beavers hide their heads in the sand and ignore the problem. Problem? What problem? I don't see a problem. Or they leave to avoid facing the problem.

Beavers are organized. Beavers think that there is a right way to do everything and they want to do it exact that way. Beaver personalities are very creative. They desire to solve everything. They desire to take their time and do it right. Beavers do not like sudden changes. They need reassurance.

Biblical Example: Moses
Case Study: Exodus 3-4
Strength: High standards, order, respect
Weakness: Unrealistic expectations of self & others, too perfect.
Limitation: Seeing the optimistic side of things, expressing flexibility

Often times you’ll find that people have a primary character type and a secondary type. Look deep within yourself. Which one is your primary and which one is your secondary? Some naturally go together and make for a wonderful set of strengths. But, as it seems in a lot of cases, too much of a good thing can be a weakness. Be sensitive to the weaknesses in yourself and in others.

Communication from Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans

2010-05-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

Communication connects the lives of two people. Communicating openly and often is a lifeline for a marriage, especially when the husband and wife are in disagreement.

Ephesians 4:17-32
17So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.
20You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. 21Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
25Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26"In your anger do not sin"[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold. 28He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Basic needs for good communication

1. Repent for the negative things you say.
Matthew 12:36-37 But I tell you that men will have to give account on the Day of Judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.

2. Understand how essential good communication is for your marriage. Not talking can be just as harmful as talking incorrectly.

3. You have to understand how differently men and women communicate. Women are detailed people and require more words. Men think women are interrogating; however, women are just trying to be involved. Men are much more guarded about bearing their soul. Women are physically modest and emotionally immodest. Men, however, are physically immodest and emotionally modest.

5 Vital Keys to Communication

1. Mutual Concern – “Caring” - Eye contact, body language, decibel and tone.

2. Intellectual Devotion – “Listening” Focus on the person speaking. Do not let your eyes or your mind wander. Respond in a way that lets a person understand that you are listening. You may not understand them, but they need to know that you were listening to them.

3. Verbal Affirmation – “Praise” “If we aren’t careful we tend to forget our blessings and focus instead on our problems and the things we do not have.”

Psalm 50:23 23Whoso offereth praise glorifieth me: and to him that ordereth his conversation aright will I shew the salvation of God.

Do it when you don’t feel like it. If we let negative set in then we forget why we love our spouse. (Satan does this) and a tone of complaint sets in and there will be discontentment in our homes.

4. Loving Confrontation – “Speaking the truth in love”

Ephesians 4:15 15Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

Proverbs 3:3-4 3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. 4 Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.

There will be times that we have to confront our spouses about things we don’t like. The confrontation is not the problem; it is the method by which we share ourselves. Truth can be dangerous. It can’t travel without love. Real love cannot exist without truth.

Ephesians 4:26-27 26"In your anger do not sin" Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold.

5. Intimate Discussion – “Openness”
Jimmy Evans tells us that while a lot of communication and many conversations are essential in marriage, the highlight of marital communication are the special times of deeply personal, intimate conversation.

We all communicate, but are we doing it correctly? We must strive to get to level 5.

Proverbs 18:20-21 from the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.

Conflict Resolution:

1. Allow your spouse to complain

2. Deal with problems daily

3. Begin communication with humble affirmation, never threats. Begin with “I love you and I am committed to you, but I need to tell you something…”

4. Listen carefully to what the other is saying. Who interrupts? Who tries to defend themselves?

5. Reach agreement. End with tenderness and affection, not anger or resentment. Don’t go to bed angry.

Things to discuss with your spouse:

In Ephesians 4:17-32 how many principles of Christian speech can you identify?

Wives - Do you feel frustrated because your husband doesn't talk to you enough? If so, how could this be improved?

Husbands - Do you feel your wife will repeat personal things you say? What can she do to make you feel more secure about opening up?

Is there any unresolved conflict in your marriage or relationship at this moment? If so you need to talk about it today! Set aside time today! How will unresolved conflict affect communication?

What happens when we allow conflict to fester?

How can we resolve conflict faster in the future?

Remember:

BOTH SEXES HEAR THROUGH THEIR DEEPEST NEEDS!

Men need Respect! Women need Security!

Prayer Requests

Jonathan Vick - Pray for Sarah Neely. She is in the Village Hospital with an obstruction in her digestive system.

Announcements

June 6 at 6:00 p.m. is the Modern Night of Worship. Please plan to attend this service to show your support.

Communication

2010-05-12T09:02:00.000-07:00

from The Covenant Marriage by Gary Chapman

Some definitions of communication:

• Sharing life with another person
• The bridge that connects the hearts and lives of two people
• The process by which two individuals choose to reveal their thoughts, feelings and experiences with others.
• The principle vehicle by which two people become one in the marriage relationship.

Communication and Intimacy are two of the most important aspects of a marriage, and your relationship with God greatly enhances your marriage.

Marriage counselors say that communication, or the lack thereof is one of the biggest marital problems.

Rate these areas in your marriage.
Are you intimate with these aspects, or do you need to become more intimate in these areas?

Intellectual
Spiritual
Emotional
Social
Sexual

We should all strive to have intimacy on all of these levels with our spouse.

2 Corinthians 6:11-13 – 11We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. 12We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. 13As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also.

4 Patterns of Unhealthy Communication

1) Dove – This is the peacemaker. They will have peace at any price.

2) Hawk – Fine with me. This person is a blamer. This type of person must remember that the goal of your communication is to reach and agreement, not to win the argument.

3) Owl – Calm, cool and collected all the time. “Let’s be reasonable” is their motto. This person is more like a computer than a person

4) Ostrich – Ignore it and it will go away. Seldom responds directly to the confrontation.

5 levels of communication

1) Hallway Talk – Fine. How are you? This is very shallow conversation.

2) Reporter Talk – Give me the facts. In this type of talk, you simply share factual information. There is a void of real feelings.

3) Do you Know What I Think? – This is giving your opinion to the situation. You share ideas and judgments on the subject.

4) Let me Tell You How I Feel – This is where you listen. You have the same goal, but you may have different viewpoints.

5) Let’s Be Honest – This is desired form of communication. This is where you tell the truth in love.

Proverbs 3:3-4 Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.

1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Communication is a must if we are to become one. Communication fosters intimacy through self-revelation and listening by both parties. Good communication makes couples come together and closes the gap between a message and its meaning.

Before You Speak: Ask yourself the following questions: Does this really need to be said? Does the other person want to hear it? Does it build them up? Is it wise? Is it going to better me? Is it going to better the other person? Can it be said gently, kindly, and with love? Does it give a blessing? -Peggy Bert

Announcements

Supper Club is May 15 at Rockhouse Grill. Please RSVP to Carly’s evite so she knows how much BBQ to order.

June 6 at 6pm is the Modern Night of Worship. Please attend this service to show your support and to check it out to see if you like this style or worship.

Our date for Habitat for Humanity is Saturday July 10. We are responsible for the punch list items.

Summer Spectacular for 5 year olds through 5th grade is June 12-16. Volunteers are needed to teach and to do crafts with the kids.

Prayer Requests

Will Durham – His boss Robby Upton and his wife have 2 foster children who they are trying to adopt. They have court in June. The children’s parents are trying to fight this, even though they had neglected these children horribly. Robby and his wife are unable to have children of their own and they would make wonderful parents.

The Distracted Wife (Part 2)

2010-05-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

Back in April we talked about the 4 kinds of destructive wives.

1. The Dominant Wife
2. The Enabler Wife
3. The Distracted Wife
4. The Emotionally-Motivated wife

We were only able to cover The Dominant Wife and The Enabler Wife at that time. For now, I am blogging the last two types. We hope to cover this in class some time soon.

The Distracted Wife

Titus 2: 3-5 3Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

1. A Distracted Husband. Sometimes a woman becomes distracted because she has a distracted husband. A distracted husband leaves a wife vulnerable. If she cannot get her husband’s attention, she will consume herself with other things-children, her own interests, work, hobbies, etc. This woman must set aside time for her husband, despite his efforts to turn away from her. Despite his actions, she must show unconditional love. She would be modeling submission from 1 Peter 3:1-6 if she were to do this. She has to fight for his heart.

2. Motherhood. Another reason a woman becomes distracted is motherhood. They often become too involved in their children and therefore put their marriages on the back burner. We have to realize that our children learn from the model we set. If we are giving them more attention that we are to our marriage, they will eventually see this and think this is the correct way to do things.

3. Overload/Misplaced Priorities. Sometimes women misplace priorities or simply get overloaded. You have to be able to say “no” to those things that begin to take the place of your marriage. You must show the world that God is first and He wants your marriage to be second. Nothing should take the place of these priorities.

The Emotion-Motivated Wife

Proverbs 12:4 A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.

Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

This woman is not led by her own convictions. She is led by her emotions and makes decisions based more on her feelings than on the truth.

For women to learn to break free from the bondage of being motivated by emotions or “weak-willed”, they need to be made aware of the causes of this problem. Listed below are the major causes and ways to be free from them.

1. Unbelief

Hebrews 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

The woman without faith is unwilling to take God at his Word. She does not believe that God’s words are true, and she relies more on her own feelings than the truth.

Solution: You must respect and act in obedience to God’s will instead of your own feelings.

2. Lack of Discipline

Some people had parents who never disciplined them. These people learned to do what he felt like doing regardless of what was right or wrong.

Solution: Learn how to discipline yourself and put some parameters in your life.

3. Deception/wrong information

Satan tries to fill our minds with wrong information in order to create fear, rebellion, resentment and other negative feelings.

Your marriage is far too precious to be destroyed by the devil’s lies.

Solution: Lean on God and the bible to show you what is right and what is true.

The Future of our Class

2010-05-04T07:58:00.000-07:00

We have completed the survey results and we thank all of those that participated.

Here are the results.

8:30 Traditional Worship and 10:00 Life Group: 1 or 4.3%
8:30 Life Group and 10:00 Contemporary Worship: 8 or 34.8%
10:00 Contemporary Worship and 11:30 Life Group: 7 or 30.4%
10:00 Life Group and 11:30 Modern Worship: 8 or 34.8%

In regards to our class time, the teachers have agreed to try to do whatever is necessary to find a solution that will work. Dani and Mitch are contemplating working with Kathy Dority to see if they can step out and take the couples who have currently completed the year long course and start a new Life Group for married couples and give the Nearlywed/Newlywed class an option to feed people into. We talked about what is working since our class in growing and we don’t want division among us. We do life together, pray for each other, do socials, are honest and open, etc. This is what people want. We are all committed to make sure no one is left behind. Mitch volunteered to complete the topics in his home if anyone has to attend a service and is not able to complete the topics we currently cover. We do not want those currently in the class to fail to complete the material because of the limited time we have in class.

Everyone was asked to pray for our church and the three worship services. We cannot allow division as mentioned earlier. We realize that some of you do not like change, however change is coming. Our goal should be to reach the lost. If that means we have 5 services, then so be it!

Several good ideas came from the group. One we really like is the potential to have different classes related to marriage and still ALL get together for socials. This would keep everyone linked together and help couples migrate.

Nothing has been decided. This is just information on what we are in the process of doing. We want and need everyone’s thoughts and we encourage anyone who has a thought, but who may not want to mention it in class to email Mitch or Dani.

There is a need for a men’s bible study. We are going to get this started. No details have been decided on that, but this is something the male teachers need to address in the next two weeks. Mitch will email the guys and see who has interest.

Prayer Requests

Bonnie – her sister Katie has a doctor’s appointment and they are pretty sure she has Lupus.

Derek Brannon – Pray over Nicole’s job search and interviews, troops abroad, and an unspoken request

Whitney Barefoot – Her dad is having problems with being dizzy (Vertigo) and he has an MRI last week. Her mom had Thyroid surgery and is currently out of work

Jeff and April Beveridge – April’s mom to specifically make a speedy recovery from breast cancer surgery

Daniel is dealing with the loss of a loved one.

Mitch – Understanding, peace, wisdom, and to hear God’s voice.

In Preparation for Sunday

Please read Chapter 17 - Skills for Communication.

Raising Great Children as you Build A Great Marriage (Part II)

2010-04-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

We continue our Study of Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans

Today we watched Jimmy Evan’s video: Raising Great Children as you Build a Great Marriage

He and his wife committed to one another when they got married that they would raise great kids. For those of you without kids this is the best time to make that commitment and to plan how you will raise them.

It is never too late to do the right thing; no matter how old your children are.

Have a great marriage and great kids at the same time. Don’t have one be at the expense of the other.

5 Principles in Raising Great Children as you build a Great Marriage

1. Marriage precedes children in priority. It is incorrect to think that nothing is as important as your children. The correct way to think is “my spouse and my relationship with God are the most important things in my life. Genesis 2:24 reminds us of the law of priority.

In Genesis 2:24, it says that a man shall leave his mother and father when he gets married. This does not mean that he quits honoring his parents, but he must change his priorities. Once you are married, your spouse becomes #1 in your life-- they MUST be first before anything else except God. That means they get the first of your time, your efforts, your emotions.

God will not bless your marriage or children if these things are put above your relationship with Him. Your relationship with God and with your spouse is what creates happiness for your children. Set parameters. Establish healthy disciplines and traditions. Examples: Have a date night with your spouse once per week. Have a family night once per week. Budget your time as you w0uld budget your money. Spend time with God.

2. United Front. A house divided will not stand. Neither parent can allow the kids to divide them. Example: If either spouse hears a child disrespect their mate, they should immediately step in and say “you will not talk to your mom/dad that way!” Never be divided over discipline.

3. Good Cop/Bad Cop confuses kids

4. Father must be the main disciplinary figure. This does not mean a mother should not discipline, but the father must be the main person over this area

5. Both parents must show their kids affection. This is one of the healthiest things we can do for them.

Our kids will be just like us! Are we helping them or hurting them? Things flawed in us will be passed on.

Prayer Requests

Dan Cruice – His brother’s church is going through some tough times. The head pastor has been arrested for murdering a member of the church.

Lensi Cruice – Pray for her parents. They are going through a divorce.

Carly Durham – Her mom and brother are living with she and Will. Pray that they would see what God is trying to accomplish in this situation and that both she and Will would partner with Him to fulfill his work.

Josh Morton – His mother’s step-father broke his hip, and is going to be put in a nursing home. Please pray over this family.

Heather Wyatt – Her cousin David Nelson has been diagnosed with a rare T cell lymphoma. It has taken over. His wife and family are having a tough time with this. His wife Jenny just found out she is pregnant as well.

Lori Stone - There are some broken relationships in her extended family that need to be healed. She asks that God open the hearts of those involved so that they can be healed and restore the relationships.

Announcements

This Sunday, May 2 is the Destinations Conference. http://www.destinationsconference.com/ This will be beneficial to those who plan to have children, those you have children, or those with adult children who are now or will soon be grandparents.

Saturday June 5 is our day to work on the Habitat House. Please mark this date on your calendars.

All of us were challenged to ask 10 unchurched people (2o - 30 year old age range) to come to church. This is why Taylors is going to a 3rd service.

Raising Great Children as you Build A Great Marriage

2010-04-20T04:31:00.000-07:00

We continue our Study of Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans

When deciding about having children, you should discuss the following with your spouse:

1. Do you want to have children

2. Why?

3. When?

4. How Many?

5. Will you both work outside of the home when you have children? If so, who will provide care for your child during the day?

6. How will you discipline your children? Will you spank? If so, how, and under what circumstances?

7. How will you let your children know you love them?

8. What traditions do you want to have with your children?

9. What goals do you have for your children?

10. Will you adopt, if you cannot have children?

Once you have children, you should go away for a weekend and have a conversation about your children and the coming year. Plan the next year. Does your child want to play a sport, be involved in dance, etc. How will you do this? You should make a plan and set goals for each child in every aspect of their lives.

In order to raise Godly children, you need to maintain the right prioroties.

God
Spouse
Children
Parents
Others

In order to have the right relationship with your spouse, you must have the right relationship with God. In order to have the right relationship with your children, you must have the right relationship with your spouse.

You must not let your nurturing and caring for your children take the place of your relationship with your spouse.

Raise children to love God and to become self-sufficient.

Always build your relationship with your spouse. Your children will leave, and ultimately you will remain with your spouse. If you have not nurtured and cared for that realtionship, you will be lost once the children leave.

Parents must act as a united team. Children will try to divide you, however you cannot allow this. Always support and honor your spouse, especially in front of the children. Always speak positively about your spouse to your children. Discuss matters in private. Meet with your spouse regularly. Agree on goals, and how to deal with the children.

4 Major Needs of Children

1. Acceptance – love and acceptance for who they are. (not based on achievement)

2. Affirmation – verbal affirmation for something good they do. Own Identity – They need to have their own identity. Allow them to find things they are good at and support them.

3. Security – they need to know that their parents love them and that their parents love one another. They need to deel secure in the family as a whole. They will also receive a feeling of securtiy if they know that their parents love God.

4. Purpose – they have to do for themselves. Don’t over protect your children. Let them have goals and allow them to fail. Have them accept responsibility for their own failures or accomplishments.

Proverbs 13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Never do anything to provoke your child. Do not neglect then, ridicule them, or fail to support them.

Deuteronomy 11:18-19 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

1 Timothy 3:44 He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.

1 Timothy 3:12 A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well.

Welcome
Jason Hyche and Heather Wyatt
Josh and Casey Cameron

Announcements
For those of you who are new, click on the “older post” link at the bottom of the blog to see former blogs. Dani started the blog almost 2 years ago. You can learn a lot from reading over the material. For those of you who have been in here for awhile, you can get a “refresher” on some of the things we have covered.

Homework
Next week we will be watching the video for this portion of the book. If you have not read the chapter in the book, please do so by Sunday.

Prayer Requests
Natalie Putnam – Her friend’s baby was taken to MUSC early Sunday morning. She was born with heart defects and is not doing well. He baby’s name is Addie. Please keep Addie and her family in your prayers.

Mitch Turner - Pray over Dani's pregnancy

Four Types of Destructive Wives

2010-04-14T08:08:00.000-07:00

There are 4 types of destructive wives

1. The Dominant Wife
2. The Enabler Wife
3. The Emotionally Motivated Wife
4. The Distracted Wife

1 Peter 3:1-6 1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Christian submission does not mean to be a doormat. Submission means to cooperate voluntarily with someone out of love and respect for God and the other person.

Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Genesis 3:16 Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."

The first kind of Destructive Wife is The Dominant Wife

What makes a woman be this way?

1. It is our sin nature. We should repent and not allow this to happen in our lives. Pray over Peter 3:16

2. Fear. She fears that her husband is not going to do it, so she better do it. She wants to control, because she is afraid of what will happen if she gives up control. Approach things with a gentle and quiet spirit. Say things lovingly. Trust God to be big enough to handle the issue. Men have the responsibility to step up and lead righteously so that women can step back and take the role they are meant to have. Women feel more feminine if they are being cared for and led in the way they should be.

3. Detached/under nurturing father. She compensates for her father being gone by becoming independent. You were sinned against, forgive that person and pray to heal your hurt.

4. Dominant temperament. Some women have a natural disposition to be independent. This woman has to submit her personality to the Holy Spirit and submit herself willfully to her husband’s authority.

Dani did a very unique question and answer session this week. Below are some of the questions and answers we discussed.

What is the most common complaint married couples have with each other?
The man feels that he gets little respect, and the woman feels little love from her husband.

What is a healthy dependent/codependent relationship?
A healthy dependent/codependent relationship is one where the wife is dependent on the husband and the husband is dependent on the wife’s dependency.

What is an unhealthy dependent/codependent relationship?
An unhealthy dependent/codependent relationship is one where a husband is dependent on the wife and she is dependent on his dependency. This is a role reversal.

How does the affect their relationship?
The woman feels the need to protect the husband, to cover for him, and to rescue him. She is in control, and he is out of control.

Is it possible to find this kind of woman?
Psychiatrists say that it is more likely that the woman will seek him out first because dominant women seek out someone they can control.

If it works for them, who cares?
The reality is it does not work. They will grow tired of each other and they will distance themselves from each other.

The 2nd Kind of Destructive Wife is The Enabler Wife

This wife allows someone to behave in a destructive manner. They may even provide the atmosphere that promotes the destructive behavior.

What causes a wife to be this way?

1. Low self esteem. Abusive past think they deserve bad behavior. Look to marry a man that is lower than herself. Don’t believe this. John 3:16 16For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,[a] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
God made each and every one of us because he loves us.

2. Distorted view of love. An example of this is when a person just wants someone to love them, and thus allows themselves to be treated poorly.

3. May have passive personality. Too accepting of bad behavior, or the wrong way of doing things.

We ran out of time, so we will discuss The Emotionally Motivated Wife and The Distracted Wife this week in class.

Welcome!
Crystal and Wayne

Prayer Requests!

April Beveridge- Her mother is having breast cancer surgery on April 29th.

Nicole & Derek Brannon – Nicole has a 3rd interview with a company this week. Pray that God leads her in the right direction.

Lori Stone – Pray over her husband Tim so that he can make it home safely. He was supposed to return home today, but the ship cannot make it into port due to bad weather.

Dani - Please pray over her pregnancy and ask God to give her a healthy baby.

The Four Types of Destructive Husbands

2010-04-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

This week we talked about the four types of destructive husbands:
1. The Dominant Husband
2. The Passive husband
3. The Immoral Husband
4. The Distracted Husband
This discussion is very powerful and is not meant to discourage or overwhelm men. Satan gets into men's minds easily to convince them that they are failures. While many women can take the advice without a problem, men can be easily convinced by Satan that their attempts will never work and they should just give up. Women should understand this and actively be praying for their spouses MIND. (There is an excellent chapter about praying for your husband's mind in the book "The Power of a Praying Woman" by Stormie Omartian.)
Men have to be leaders. The choices husbands make will not only determine their leadership styles but also whom they will lead.

1. The Dominant Husband is portrayed in 1 Kings 12:1-15.

Words to describe a dominant husband: arrogant, harsh, abusive, aggressive, stubborn, selfish.

Dominant husbands are often raised by under-nurturing or detached parents. This causes him to overcompensate his personality and become overaggressive. Mis-modeling by parents, overcompensating for insecurity, sin and deception, or a dominant temperament also contribute to the formation of this character profile. When a boy is growing up, he needs a positive role model more than anything else. Boys look to their parents, coaches, grandparents, etc for modeling. Unfortunately, they also look to TV shows and movies, which can be very bad.

2. The Passive Husband is portrayed in 1 Kings 21:1-10. King Ahab was known as the worst king in the history of Israel, but even more, was known for his evil wife, Jezebel. When he didn't get what he wanted, he laid down and cried. Instead, his wife took action, but did it unethically by killing another in order to get Ahab what he wanted.
A wife will eventually lose respect for a passive husband.... which is exactly what he needs most! She will have no sense of security from him, and the marriage will be damaged.

Words to describe a passive husband: spoiled, doesn’t establish own path, pity parties, doesn’t want to take charge like he should.

Passive men are often over-led and over-nurtured as children. Many also become passive because they are intimidated by women! The new "women's rights" movement has made many men afraid to be leaders, and therefore become weak and passive. Men must assume once again their places as righteous and sacrificial leaders!!

3. The Immoral Husband is represented by David and Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 11:1-27. David tried to lie his way out of his sin, and when that didn't work, he killed another to cover it up. Luckily, because of God's grace, even their immoral union was eventually used by God for good... by producing our Lord Jesus Christ!

Words to describe an immoral husband: lustful, adulterer, murderer, deceiver, selfish.

This personality is often caused by rejection, which creates a greater need for physical contact. Visual enticement also stimulates men. Men should never let ANYONE but their wife entice them! This can be difficult with the current advertising and entertainment media posting unwholesome pictures everywhere you look. What starts with something small, like a Victoria's Secret magazine, can lead eventually into pornography and other very dangerous mediums.

4. The Distracted Husband is seen in the character of Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3). Solomon was the 2nd son born to Bathsheba and David. He was the wisest man ever, but he had 700 wives and 300 concubines! He worked and worked endlessly to build temples, etc. but in the end didn't have time left over to worship the Lord. Life is crazy and we ALL are distracted, but we have to remember where we are supposed to be.

Do you know what a real man is? He is someone who is not passive spiritually, accepts responsibility, leads by example and courage to get a greater reward from God.
He is a servant leader.
Do you know how to be a real man? If you knew, would you do it?

25 Things That Make a Man a Servant Leader/Real Man:
1. Include your wife in envisioning the future. Where are we going vs. what is happening right here and right now. Where are you taking your family? We do we want to go?
2. Accepts spiritual responsibility for his family. You are the pace setter for your family.
3. Is willing to say "I am sorry" and "Forgive me" to his family.
4. Discusses household responsibilities with his wife and makes sure they are fairly distributed. This means if you both work, is the workload after 5 pm fair? You may have to be helping with dishes, washing clothes, etc.
5. Seeks the consultation of his wife on all major financial decisions.
6. Follows through with commitments he has made to his wife.
7. Anticipates the different seasons his marriage will pass through. A series of little marriages put together.
8. Anticipates the different stages his children will pass through.
9. Frequently tells his wife what he likes about her. Like a "no-look pass" in basketball where they sneak around the back and score a quick one on you, he should be ready to tell his wife unexpectedly and MEAN IT how much he loves her. Example: "You know what I really like about you?"
10. Provides finances for his family's basic living expenses.
11. Deals with distraction so he can talk with his wife and family. Date your wife first, then your children. You should have time to talk, without TV and other things going on.
12. Prays with his wife on a regular basis. For most men, 99% are intimidated by this. Ask her, "Will you pray with me?"
13. Initiates meaningful family traditions.
14. Initiates fun outings for the family on a regular basis. Keep laughter in the home. Make lifetime memories.
15. Takes the time to give his children practical instructions about life, which in turn gives them confidence with their peers. Don't let your child guess at life. They don't naturally pick up the basics like changing oil, managing a checkbook, writing thank you notes, firm hand shakes, etc.
16. Manages the schedule of the home and anticipates any pressure points.
17. Keeps his family financially sound and out of harmful debt. 90% of divorces evolve from money issues!
18. Makes sure he and his wife have drawn up a will and arranged a well-conceived plan for their children in the case of death.
19. Lets his wife and children into the interior of his life. This can be difficult for me. Tell stories, tell your wife what you are feeling. Don't go into a cave.
20. Honors his wife in public.
21. Explains sex to each child in a way that gives them a wholesome perspective.
22. Encourages his wife to grow as an individual and become what God has intended her to be.
23. Takes the lead in establishing with his wife sound, biblically-supportable family values.
24. Joins a small group of men who are dedicated to improving their skills as a man, husband, and father.
25. Provides time for his wife to pursue her own personal interests.

Marriage on the Rock

2010-03-31T11:15:00.000-07:00

This past week we watched the portion of the Marriage on the Rock video titled Understanding and Meeting your Spouse’s Needs. Notes for this were in last weeks blog.

I hope everyone learned something from this video.

This Sunday we will be studying The Destructive Husband.

This is Chapter 9 in your books. Please read this before coming to class.

Todd and Brentley Reeves will be teaching this week.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe Easter weekend!

Understanding and Meeting Your Spouses Needs (Part II)

2010-03-24T04:01:00.001-07:00

Ephesians 5:28-29
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.

Women have 4 basic needs

1. Security
A man must communicate that he cares for his wife above anything else except for God. A woman wants to know that her husband is tuned in to her needs and concerns.

Husbands, you must communicate your love and admiration for your wife in a genuine way. A woman can feel if it’s not genuine. Be sincere. Say something about every area of her life, not just about her physical aspects. Praise your wife every day.

Husbands, you must communicate your faithfulness to your wife. Never mention the word divorce casually. Never compare your wife to someone else.

Husbands, you must communicate your commitment to provide for your wife financially. Women seek their husband’s wisdom over financial decisions. They need to know that their husband is a hard worker and an honest worker.

2. Soft, nonsexual affection
Look for opportunities each day to provide this for your wife. Hold her hand, hug her, and be close to her. Men, although sexual touch is important to you, your wife needs more of the nonsexual affection from you.

3. Open and honest communication
Wives have an inner need for honest and detailed communication with their husbands. They aren’t being nosey when they ask a lot of questions; they are simply trying to have this need met by you.

4. Leadership
Men should be the head of the household spiritually, financially, and in disciplining the children. When a husband does not lead his family, a wife becomes insecure and frustrated. This will ultimately cause problems in the marriage because the wife will feel like she has to lead.

Welcome visitors
Ashley
Lauren and Matt
Matt and Veronica
Carrie Bunnell and her fiancé Ryan

Prayer requests

Carly: a friend from work - a family at her church had two daughters in a car wreck 14 and 16, 2 years ago. The 14 year old died right away, but the 16 year old died this past Monday from brain damage. Pray for the Mitchell family

Will: Lost his uncle Friday night to Alzheimer’s. Pray for his wife and Will's family

Matt and Lesa: Praying for several friends and family that they will attend church for Easter and that God will speak to them

Christopher and Rebecca: Rebecca is looking for a job to help provide for the family and to get ahead...and this week, Christopher was laid off, so please be in prayer for them both now!

Lori & Tim: Pray for their son Tim as he travels to Fortaleza, Brazil for a mission trip. He will be working with an orphanage there. Pray for he and his group as they travel, and help them to deliver the word of God to these orphans.

Homework
This week we will be watching the video that goes along with the lesson. If you haven’t already read the chapter, please do so. It is Chapter 10 in your books and Chapter 4 in the workbook.

Understanding and Meeting your Spouse's Needs (Part I) Continued from last week

2010-03-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

Last week we started discussing the needs of a man.

We learned that the number one need of a man is Honor. Men gravitate to the place where they feel the most honor. They are drawn into the presence of praise.

The second need of a man is sex. Men tend to have a greater desire for sex than do women . This need is placed in them by God. Women need to understand the strength and the importance of the male appetite for sex, and be willing to accommodate this need. Wives also need to understand the visual and physical nature of a man’s sexual appetite. Be your best at all times. Your husband loves you the way you are and wants to see you. Be creative and sensitive when meeting this need.

The third need of a man is kindred fellowship (friendship). A man has a deep need to relate to his wife as a friend, not just a lover. Women, make an effort to be involved with your husband in the things he enjoys. Try new things with him. Even if you don’t enjoy certain things, you should be willing to take part because it is something that is important to your husband.

In speaking of a man’s need for friendship- women, do not “mother” your husband. He doesn’t need for you to be his mother; he needs you to be his lover, friend and helpmate.

The fourth need of a man is domestic support. Wives, create an environment that your husband loves to come home to. Your home should be nice, clean and welcoming. It should be a place both you and your husband can relax.

Women, if any of you are not meeting any of these four needs for your husband, pray for guidance in how you can better meet these needs for him.

Homework
We’ll be discussing the needs of a woman this week. This is Chapter 10 in your books and Chapter 4 in the workbook.

Understanding and Meeting your Spouse's Needs (Part I)

2010-03-11T03:54:00.001-08:00

Ephesians 5 21:24 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Wives should willingly submit to their husbands, and to be supportive of him. This relationship should model the relationship between Christ and the church.
Galatians 3:28 28There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

We are all equal in the eyes of Jesus.

Proverbs 9:10 "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

If you live in darkness, you hide from the knowledge that God wants you to have.

1 Corinthians 11:3 3Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

The husband should be the leader of the household. The husband’s reputation is built on the attitude and good deeds of the wife, yet she is submitting to him.

Matthew 22:37-40 37Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Titus 2:4-5 4Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Satan operates through unmet needs. There is a greater likelihood that your spouse will have an affair if their needs are not being met. Learning to meet your spouse’s needs is crucial in building a good marriage.

One way a person can fail at meeting their spouse's needs is by rejecting the inherent differences in our spouses. Men and women are completely different by God’s design. If you were both the same, one of you would be unnecessary. When you reject their needs, you reject them. Not accepting who they are can be devastating to them, and will ultimately destroy their self worth.

Another way couples fail is by transforming their spouse’s needs into their own language. For example, if a woman says she wants to be held, a man will often think she wants sex.

A third problem in meeting your spouses needs is selfishness. This is when you think that if you are okay, everything is okay. You are bothered by your spouse telling you what their needs are, and you feel that your needs are more important than your spouse’s needs.

Men have 4 basic needs

The #1 need of a man is Honor. Men gravitate to the place where they feel the most honor. They are drawn into the presence of praise. When you want your husband to hear you, you have to speak with honor and respect because people listen through their deepest needs. Wives, ask yourselves two questions. Am I showing my husband honor? Would I talk to Jesus the way I talk to my husband? If the answer to either of these questions is no, then you need to make changes.

Ways you can honor your husband
1. Allow him to take risks, and even to fail.
2. Confront him in love, but leave the rest to God. Do not get aggressive,let God handle it.
3. Praise him to other people, lift him up in front of others

We will discuss the other 3 needs of men this Sunday.

Announcements
Congrats to Rebecca and Chris Clark who were baptized on Sunday, March 6.

Habitat for Humanity is coming up. Dani will send out an email so we can see which dates suit the class better. Please respond promptly to her email, as the church needs to coordinate this.

Impact Greenville is April 10th. Lisa Burgess has sent an email regarding this. Please also get back with her as soon as possible.

The Law of Possession & Purity

2010-03-03T06:52:00.000-08:00

The 3rd law in marriage is the Law of Possession.

This law mirrors our relationship with Jesus. This law is the key to establishing intimacy and trust in a relationship. We can experience a deep unity and everlasting bond once we understand and submit to this law.

Genesis 2:24 “…and they shall become one flesh.”

If either one of you withhold or don’t fully merge everything, you are breaking this law and violating the rights of the other person. A married couple is to share all things fully, and to treat one another with grace so that they may be totally open to one another. If you fail to surrender anything to the other, you will create resentment and legitimate jealously, thus destroying your marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:3-4 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

An example of a violation to this law is when one partner withholds sex from the other partner, or uses it as a bargaining tool. In marriage, your body no longer belongs only to you. You must give it to your spouse for the purpose of mutual sexual satisfaction.

Luke 14:33 33In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

An example of this is when one person in the marriage controls the money or determines how it will be spent without consulting the other. Another example is when couples have a prenuptial agreement.

If you are not willing to have joint ownership and control in every area of the marriage, you will violate the other person. Sharing possession prevents jealousy and enables intimacy. It also communicates that you value your spouse.

The 4th law in marriage is the Law of Purity.

Genesis 2:25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

They were completely exposed before God and one another. This way they are able to share themselves completely and openly. This is God’s picture of a perfect marriage relationship. As long as both partners have not sinned against one another, they can feel comfortable exposing themselves to each other physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Sin is the greatest obstacle to openness. To understand how to bring your marriages into complete compliance with God’s requirements for purity, there are several issues that need to be discussed.

1) Sin is always deadly (Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death...)
When we allow sin into our lives or our relationships, we swallow a deadly spiritual poison.

2) Purity must be upheld by both partners in order for the relationship to provide a climate for total exposure. In marriage, everything that each each person does, thinks, or says affects the other person and the spirit of the relationship.

3) Purity is for every area of marriage.
Whether it is finances, words, your sex life, or something else, you must know that sin from that one entry point will ultimately cause destruction in your marriage.

1 Peter 5:8 8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Seven steps to purity in marriage
1) Take responsibility for your own behavior
2) Do not return sin for sin (Luke 6:27-36)
3) Admit your faults (1 John 1:9 & James 4:6, 5:16)
4) Forgive (Matthew 6:14-15)
5) Speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15, 25-27)
6) Pray for each other (James 5:16)
7) Seek righteous fellowship (Corinthians 15:33)

Matthew 5:8 8Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Don't allow yourself to be robbed of what God wants for you. Remain pure and God will bless you and your marriage.

Homework
Please read Chapter 10 “Understanding and Meeting your Wife’s Needs” for this week.

Announcements
Ellen Abbott’s Baby shower is this Saturday, March 6 from 12-2pm. It will be held at Lesa Addington’s home . Please contact her at matthewlesa@aol.com for directions. All of the ladies are invited! Ellen is registered at Target & Babies R Us.

Supper Club is also this Saturday, March 6 at 6:30 pm. It will be held at Tim and Lori Stone’s home at 103 Crestview Circle, Greer, SC 29651. Please RSVP on Evite.com.

Prayer Requests
• Derek asked us to pray for those who lost jobs with his company this week.
• Lori’s brother-in-law, Alan, had a stroke Sunday. He is in the hospital and is undergoing speech therapy.

The Law of Pursuit

2010-02-23T12:41:00.001-08:00

Genesis 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

These are God’s definitive words setting the foundational laws of marriage into effect.

Cleave means to pursue with great energy and to cling to something zealously. If you aren’t pursuing one another and nurturing your relationship, it will go stale.

Remember back to your first date. How hard did you work to look your best? How careful were you with the words you used? How much energy did you use to please your date? I am sure we all put our best foot forward. This is how we should strive to be each and every day in our marriages.

As time passes, some couples get comfortable and tend to stop working at the relationship. They then begin to take one another for granted. It is all too easy to feel like once you have your mate, that you don’t have to work at it anymore. However, when you stop working at your marriage, it will stop working for you. Love is a decision, not an emotion. You choose to love this person and you make a commitment to them.

Many people have misconceptions about love and romance. They naively think that “If I marry the right person, we won’t have problems” or “chemistry will keep us together and make our marriage work”.

Others have a shopping mentality. They believe if they keep shopping they will eventually find just the right mate. If this relationship does not work, they’ll simply find another one.

Some have a gardening mentality. They believe if they work with you enough, you will blossom into what they want you to be. The reality is none of us are perfect. We all have our flaws.

Another misconception is that “the grass in greener on the other side”. If this is your thought process, “it is time to water your own yard”. The grass is not greener on the other side. The best thing you can do if you ever think this way, is to work harder at your marriage in the way God intended you to do.

Some people coast through their marriage through positive events and experiences. They believe that their love can be maintained with great experiences, trips, etc. For example-they believe the “high” of the honeymoon will last for several months, or a great vacation will keep them afloat for a little while.

Love is only good today. You have to work at it every day.

If you make the decision to pursue your spouse with energy and diligence, you will quickly find it is a labor of love with satisfying results!

Remember that this is what God commanded us to do.

Homework
Read Chapter 5 The Law of Possession for next week (pages 45-57)
Complete the worksheets Dan gave us and discuss your answers with your spouse.

Announcements
Welcome Christopher & Jenny Pierce to Taylors. They joined on Sunday, February 21.

Congrats to Chad & Lauren Rowland on the dedication of their son, Stetson Cole Rowland.

Congrats also to Rebecca & Chris Clark on dedicating their son, Logan Brady Clark.

The Law of Priority

2010-02-17T06:27:00.001-08:00

This week we began Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans

What are your priorities in life?

As a class we came up with the following answers:

Family
Relationship with God
Work
Self
Friends
Recreation
Money
Possessions
Education
Spouse

Where do you put your money, time and energy? If you are really honest about this, you can see where your priorities are. If they are not in the order that they should be, you can make changes.

Exodus 34:14
14For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:

The bible says that God should be our number one priority. God is a jealous God, and he wants to be first in our lives. Because God loves us and created us to love Him before anything else, He becomes jealous when that relationship is threatened.

Exodus 20:3 3Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Matthew 22:36-38
36Master, which is the great commandment in the law? 37Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38This is the first and great commandment.

John 14:15 15If ye love me, keep my commandments.

How do we show God our love? The bible states that we keep his commandments to honor him. Money, time and energy should be focused on God. If we don’t put God first, we will be frustrated, full of strife, and unfulfilled.

Our second priority should be our spouse. Pressures of the world are so great, but we have to keep our priorities in order.

Genesis 2:24
24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

In the video, Jimmy tells us of problems early in his marriage. No one had ever sat down with him and told him about the laws/priorities of marriage. About 5 years into his marriage it was made clear to him what he needed to do. He now teaches other married couples how to have successful relationships. If you honor the laws, your marriage will prosper. If you choose to ignore these laws, your marriage will ultimately fail.

Build a strong foundation. If you build on the rock, the winds and floods may come, but the house will stand. The foolish person will build their marriage on the sand. It will fail.

4 Foundational Laws of Marriage
1- Law of Priority
2- Law of Pursuit
3- Law of Possession
4- Law of Purity

Love begins with priorities!

How does one establish and maintain right priorities? Priorities must be proven in real terms and not just words.

These are several things we need to do in establishing and adhering to correct priorities.

First we must list the most important priorities in our lives in order of importance. Second we must prove these priorities in real ways. Third we must prepare to protect those priorities for the rest of our lives.

Most lists should look something like this
1) God-seeking and serving him personally
2) Spouse
3) Children (if you have any)
4) Church-seeking and serving God together with his body
5) Extended family and special friends
6) Work and Career
7) Hobbies and other interests

4 Ways to Prove Priority
Sacrifice-what will you give up for me?
Time-give the person your time
Energy-give them energetic time, not just leftover, tired time
Attitude -have a good attitude. Don't do something with a bad attitude!

Assignment
Please read through the end of Chapter 4 (page 44) before Sunday. We will finish up The Law of Priority and we will cover The Law of Pursuit this week.

Thanks to Dan and Marsha for hosting the Super Bowl Party a few weeks ago! We enjoyed it very much and we sincerely appreciate your hospitality!

Bulletin board! We need a photo of each couple to put onto our Nearlywed/Newlywed bulletin Board. It can be a wedding photo, or simply a photo of you as a couple. Please bring photos to Ellen.

Announcements
Dani stars in a new musical at Centre Stage! Rock and Roll Heaven starts on Thursday, February 18 and goes through March 13. Please try to make one of her performances to show your support! http://www.centrestage.org/

The next Supper Club is Saturday, March 6 at 6:30pm at the home of Lori and Tim. If for any reason you did not receive an Evite, please let Lori know.

Prayer requests
Please pray for Nestor Valez (one of the captains in Tim’s company) and his wife Michele. Michele is on the list for a heart transplant, and has been for over a year at Strong Memorial University of Rochester, NY. This family is in need of prayer as they have four young children that need their mother and the father has to be away from home to earn a living.

Also Jerry Ewing could use some prayer. He is also a Captain in Tim’s company. His wife is in the latter stages of cancer and they say there is nothing they can do. He lost his first wife to cancer also and is raising his 8 yr old granddaughter.

FAITH

2010-02-10T09:00:00.000-08:00

Sunday, February 7, 2010

FAITH
The definition of faith is a confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.

Ponder these 2 questions:
Do you struggle with your faith?
Who would you die for?

Romans 5:6-8
6You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this.

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. He died for us, even when we did not deserve it.

Mitch challenges us to read John Fox’s Book of Martyrs-story of people who made the ultimate sacrifice for Christ. We have to ask ourselves this question-If Jesus was not exactly who he said he was, would people have been willing to give their own lives for him?

Each of the 12 apostles left families and careers, often traveling alone to distant countries, declaring that Jesus died and came back to life. For proclaiming Jesus' resurrection, they were beaten, imprisoned, and many killed in torturous ways.

James, son of Zebedee was beheaded. Acts 12:2 states “He had James, the brother of John, put to death with the sword.” As James was being led to execution, one of the followers admitted that he believed in Christ, and told James that he would not die alone. This man lay down with James and had his head cut off as well….all in the name of Jesus.

Andrew-was Peter’s brother. He was crucified on an X shaped cross in Greece.

Peter was crucified upside down, because he said he wasn't worthy to be crucified in the same way that the Lord was.

Simon and Phillip were crucified

Bartholomew was beaten and then crucified.

Thomas was tortured with spears and then thrown into an oven by Indians. This happened while he was in India on one of his missionary trips to establish a church there.

James, son of Alphaeus was stoned to death.

John was exiled for his faith. He died of extreme old age.

Judas was stoned to death.

Matthew was speared to death.

Matthias was stoned to death.

These disciples risked their lives to speak out about what they had no doubts about -- that Jesus had risen from the dead, proving that he was everything he claimed to be...the Son of God.
What do you think? You will hopefully never be executed for believing in Jesus like the first disciples were, but you can become just as sure of the truth of his resurrection, and understand why it mattered so much to these twelve men.

Some other examples of those who have laid down their life for Christ are below.

Giovanni Andrea Michialin refuses to recant his faith while his four children are killed before his eyes.

1992- In Nigeria Pastor Selchun exclaimed "He is Lord" while raising his right hand. They cut off his hand and it fell to the ground. He looked at it, and raised his left hand and exclaimed again "He is Lord, He is Lord, He is risen from the dead and he is Lord. Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord." His wife and sister stood near and prayed. He was killed.

John Lambert was burned at the stake. They held him up so that he would burn more slowly.

A more modern day example, of someone who sacrificed for Christ was Cassie Bernall. She was one of the victims in the Columbine High School shooting. She was asked if she believed in Jesus. When she said “yes” she was shot.

Who was Jesus? A prophet, a lunatic, or the Savior? Who would and why would so many people die for a man that was a lunatic, or for someone who was just a prophet? If you ever have doubts...let this be one of the strengths of Christ's claims. The fact is, these people died for Jesus Christ, the savior of the world. No one dies for something they don't believe in with their whole heart! This is faith.

Hebrews 12: 1-4 1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

Could we with our soft serving and modern Christianity be burned alive or tortured?
This is something that we should all truly ask ourselves.
I ask you again to think about these questions:
Do you struggle with your faith?
who would you die for?

Think about it.

Welcome new members Sammy and Gina & Jeremy and Jessica!

Prayer requests:
Please keep Derek’s colleague Rick in your prayers. He underwent surgery for a brain tumor a few days ago.

Ladies, be thinking about if you want to do “Unlimiting God” bible study. Details will be sent out soon.

The next study will be "Marriage on the Rock" by Jimmy Evans. This will begin on Sunday, February 14.

2010-01-23T06:48:00.001-08:00

Marriage is one of the first institutions God established (Genesis 1:24-25). God places great importance on the significance of this institution, and he needs to be the foundation in order for any marriage to be successful.

Matthew 7:24-27 = "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

In 1964, there was a great Earthquake in Alaska. Liquifaction in the sand caused modern four-story buildings to completely collapse. Anchorage sustained great destruction or damage to the inadequate foundation under houses, buildings, and infrastructure that were not able to sustain the trauma.

Like these buildings, we need a strong foundation in our marriage so that when difficult times arise, we can survive the trauma. We can't prevent the Earthquakes, but we can prevent the crash by "fortifying the land we build on." That way, when challenges like death, raising children, temptations, etc come, we can be prepared by having a strong faith foundation to stand on. Remember, God doesn't promise us life will be easy, but He does promise that He will carry us through whatever challenges arise. The people who survive are the ones who lean on Him to make it through.

Genesis 1:26-27, 28 - God created us for a purpose.
Genesis 2:21-22 - He created us male and female.
Genesis 2:24-25 - God describes his intent for the institute of marriage.

God created most things from the dust of the earth. However, when God created woman, He used the rib of man. Man and woman are the same flesh. Marriage unites us together as ONE. Couples cannot experience complete intimacy without first acknowledging equality with her spouse.

When we get married, we are to cleave from our parents. That doesn't mean we can't still honor, love and respect our parents, but they are no longer #1 in our life. When we joing together and become one with our spose, we treat her like we would treat ourself. Serving each other becomes our primary purpose.

What characteristics make your spouse a suitable help-mate for you? Some things that we listed in class were:
Being equally yoked
Having similar interests and goals
Fulfilling areas we lack (Ex: one sees the glass half empty but the other sees it half full)
Being a Godly spouse and parent.

Intimacy grows out of a sense of self-worth and security in the commitment spouses make to each other and to their unity as a couple. We should be able to stand completely naked before each other spiritually, emotionally, and physically without being uncomfortable. That is the ultimate experience of intimacy.

Psalms 127:1 - God is the foundation and Lord of the marriage.

HOW do we build a solid foundation in the Lord?
1.) Everything you do as a couple, you do with God.
2.) Praying together.
3.) Study the Word together.
4.) Obey God, support your spouse, serve their needs, have the attitude of Christ toward them!5.) Go to church together.
6.) Learning to be selfless.

Rate Jesus Christ's control (lordship) over each of the following areas in your marriage on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 demonstrating complete surrender:
Finances
Friends
Sexual Relationship
Church Involvement
WorkPrayer and Bible Study
Purchases
Life-style
Family Relationships
Education

Malachi 2:10-16 - God hates broken relationships

God made a convenant with Abraham that he would bless his people. Abraham in turn was to honor and respect God. The people in Malachi were being rebellious and inter-marrying, causing their relationship with God to fail. Because they didn't obey God, they were faced with troubles. This shows God's seriousness in his institute of marriage. Taking marriage lightly and divorcing for just any silly reason was profaning God's FIRST institution.

Revelation 21:2 - God's plan for marriage is to reflect His underlying love.

God values marriage so much that he uses it as a metaphor to illustrate the relationship He wants us to have with Christ. Marriage is key to the Bible from Genesis to Revelation! Your relationship with your spouse is a mirror of your relationship with Christ. If you become complacent and satisfied with where you are at, then you've stopped growing. It should be a constant effort.

Growing in Love

2010-01-10T17:15:00.000-08:00

Gary Chapman describes being "in love", the dangers of the "in love" experience and then how you can have a good marriage.

People get married because they say and feel that they love each other.

- Being "in love" is a feeling.

- It all begins with the "tingles".

- This experience is also accompanied by irrational thinking.

"He/she is perfect!"
"Nothing is more important that him/her!"
"I will never be happy if we aren't together!"

(This goes for all cultures, even those that are very different from ours.)

Dangers of the "In-Love" Experience

1. It gives us an illusion that we have an intimate relationship.
2. It blinds us to our differences
3. It leads us to faulty conclusions.
"Nothing else matters in life!"
"These feelings are permanent."

How does the "in love" experience contribute to divorce? It is at the very heart of it! (40% of all 1st marriages end in divorce, 60% of all 2nd marriages end in divorce, 75% of all 3rd marriages end in divorce)

When couples come down off the high, they see their differences.

Conflicts lead to fighting and arguing or they lead to withdrawing.
Either one of these things is dangerous. If your spouse is not having their love needs met by you and someone else comes along that gives them the "tingles" they may want to "allow" this person to meet their love needs.
Rather than following the "tingles" learn to love each other.

"The greatest potential for happiness in your marriage is with the person to whom you're now married."

Have you withdrawn from your spouse? Are you speaking their love language? When you first said you loved your spouse and when you were so "in love" that you wanted to marry them, did you not try to speak all five love languages to each other?
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Of course you did! You concentrated on each other and gave each other your all.

So how can you have a good marriage?

(If you or your spouse has withdrawn . . .) #1. Deal with the Wall.
#2. Speak your spouse's love language. If you don't know your spouse's love language, learn it! And then speak it!
(Here's the link to take the "Love Language" test to find out yours. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ 30 Second Quizzes )

1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

This passage doesn't say, "love is perfect", it doesn't say, "you will not be tired" or "you will never have disagreements" it doesn't say "you will never get angry". But it tells us how our love should be and what true love really is.

1 John 3:16 says, "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us."
Do we love our spouse with that kind of love. Would we die for our spouse? - (Actions speak louder than words!)

Love Language Five: Physical Touch

2010-01-04T11:05:00.000-08:00

People long to be touched. Babies who are held and cuddled and kissed are healthier emotionally than babies who are left alone or never swooned over. But physical touch is also necessary in marriages. We usually associate this idea with sex, but there are all kinds of necessary touches...kissing, holding hands, hugging. For some, physical touch is a love language, and those people need all kinds of physical touches (barring abusive ones) to feel loved.

There are implicit touches that require little thought or planning...like brushing against each other in passing or a pat on the back. Explicit touches require more and demand full attention...like a back rub, foreplay or sex. Always make sure that there are communication lines open with your spouse about the kinds of touches they like.

Does the bible say we should touch our spouses? Yes! Read Song of Songs 1:2, 2-6

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 challenges us to treat our spouse's body a certain way. How should you treat them?

Proverbs 5:15-23 is speaking of water and cisterns, but this is a metaphor for our sexual behavior. The water being that behavior and the cistern being your marriage. What are married couples commanded to do? Why should we avoid adulterous relationships?

Some people are uncomfortable with touching, hugging, etc. There are many reasons for this, but if your spouse needs to be touched in some way everyday to feel love for you...to be happy, shouldn't you try to do a little more? Baby steps! Try a little pat on the arm, then move to an arm around the shoulder, then a hug...the more you do it, the easier it will be. AND if this is YOUR love language, make sure you tell your spouse when you need to be hugged and touched. You may think you shouldn't have to ask, but if your spouse's language is not physical touch this will not come natural to them. Isn't it better to ask and receive, than to be silent and get nothing?

Prayer requests:
Mitch: leg to heal
Dani: headaches to stop
Derek and Nicole: to keep their New Year's Resolutions
Dan: that we will all recognize our responsibility to influence other for Christ this year, to say what we need to say to lead others to Him

Commitment

2009-12-10T13:46:00.000-08:00

Today we learned the true meaning of Commitment. Again, taught my Tommy Nelson, how to finish a strong marriage- true commitment!!!
Tommy says that the Lord delights in UNCHANGING love. The man and the woman should sacrifice to be like CHrist when they love.

(Again reading from the Song of Solomon Chapter 8)

Ch 8:5 "Who is this coming up from the desert leaning on her lover? Under the apple tree I roused you; there your mother conceived you, there she who was in labor gave birth,..."

Tommy says at this point they were returning from their evening out and the people were amazed how the woman had be transformed by the man. He says that the man now feels as if she was born for him. The "apple tree" is the place of love.

8:6 "Place me like a seal over your heart, for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave, It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame."

Now the man is taking ownership, or possesion. Tommy says this is a good thing! If the man is to be like Christ when he loves his wife to remember that our God is a good God, he doesn't share us with any other idol. The man should be perserviering.

8:7 " Many water cannot quench love, rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned."

This love is precious. This love in your marraige is divine and unpurchasable. It is a DONE DEAL.

*Again reviewing vs. 5-7 Tommy says to remember that you must have the assumption that marraige, your love, is a permanent thing. You should LOVE... that means be sweet, appologize to each other when you need to. You must come to the recognition that you both, individually, must submit to God as well as one another.

8:8-9 "We have a young sister, and her breasts are not yet grown. What shall we do for our sister for the day is spoken for? If she is a wall, we will build towers of silver on her. If she is a door, we will enclose her with panels of cedar."

All of your marraige is conditional of God. It is a divine institution. This is the safest place to be - in the WILL OF GOD.

8:11 " He had a vineyard in Baal Hamon, he let out his vineyard to tenants. Each was to bring for its fruit a thousand shekels of silver."

Women- This is it. You are to give your absolute best to your husband! (Tommy says what ever you do, do it right, for it bears your name.

* The book ends with the man going to the woman to fulfill her highest need. (Sitting and listening.) "Come home young stud, and enjoy the delight of my body."

When Dan and Marsha reviewed this lesson they reminded us to remember that this is a done deal. You need to "Burn the Ships" and focus on NOtHING more than your husband/wife. You are together now and your job is to be the best that you can be for them!!!

Have a great week! :)

The next update- Session 1 of Love Languages - to follow tomorrow ;)!

Chainless

2009-12-01T09:07:00.000-08:00

My sweet friend, Tiffany, beat me to the blog today. Please read her blog about our dear friend, Melissa Page Strange.

But, I decided to blog, too...I wanted to say how sad I am, but that I'm thankful I'm not as sad as I could be. Melissa struggled in life. This world can hand us some really awful stuff. I know that my family has been surrounded by death recently. We are a bit overwhelmed. I deal with my own demons on a daily basis...Satan attempts to knock out my teeth everyday. I know that the Page's and the Strange's are being attacked by sadness, guilt, anger...natural emotions, but it just adds to the struggle and groaning in our hearts.

But yesterday, I told my friend Delecta that death is only hard for the people left behind. Then, I corrected myself and said that was only true, though, if you were a believer. You see, Melissa struggled in this world, but now she is chainless. Those things that held her down are gone. My heart finds peace in that. I know that I will see her again someday. Her life ended to abruptly. I know there was so much that God could have done for and through Melissa, and He never would have wanted her to meet Him this way. But He has forgiven her, and she is cuddled up with her creator now. Probably helping St. Peter look through the names in the Book of Life. :)

Imagine, our sadness though, if she did not know Christ as her Saviour. Her struggles in this world would have been a mere pin prick compared to the hell that is...well, Hell. There in only sorrow there, constant striving, constant thirst and nothing to quench it, constant pain, neverending suffering...and the nagging thought that one should have listened to the story of the man who died on that tree to save us from such despair...simply because He loves us. Why would we choose to leave this cold world to enter one that is worse than where we left?

Please, if anything can come from death, let it be eternal life. Even if one person comes to know my sweet Jesus, just one, I know it will make heaven rejoice, but it will especially set Melissa's feet to dancing. Don't you want to know that this life may suck sometimes, but there is hope...it is all worth the end result, if you know Him. Don't you want to be chainless?

THE ART OF ROMANCE

2009-11-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

Hey Everybody!

Sunday, the 19th Tommy Nelson's lesson was on The Art of Romance. The scripture he quoted was Song of Solomon beginning with the man in Chapter 7...

Tommy said most importantly to remember, men, is that we got married FOR ROMANCE. No matter how much of you thinks you are "not romantic", you are. Ch 7:1-9... the man LEADS...

"How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince's daughter! Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of a craftsman's hands...Your navel is a rounded goblet that never lacks blended wine. Your waist is a mound of wheat encircled by lilies... Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle... Your neck is like an ivory tower, Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim. Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus... Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel. Your hair is like royal tapestry; the king is held captive by its tresses... How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!...Your stature is like that of the palm tree. I said, " I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit." May your breasts be like the clusters of the fine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine."

Tommy explained that when the scripture quotes " your belly is like the best of wine or a mound of wheat" it means the wife is full of blessings!! The greatest blessing to her husband...

That is of course, a faithful wife he says, is of the greatest blessings. Men as well, are to tell people what a delight his wife is!!!
-Men... remember the challange here... Tommy said that it is almost impossible for a man to look his wife in the eyes for 30 seconds and tell her how good she is. He was reminding the men that the wife are to be praised, as it says is verse 5. He says you are to praise her character and beauty.

Now women, Tommy says, "you are not off the hook". He says wives should be INTOXICATING to their husbands. When the woman interrupts in the scripture, she is RESPONSIVE, AGRESSIVE, CREATIVE, and SPONTANEOUS!!!

-Starting at vs. 9 again... "May the wine go straight to my lover, flowing gently over lips and teeth... I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me... Come, my lover, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages [or the Hyatt ;)]...Let us go early to the vinyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom-there I will give you my love... The mandrakes send out their frangrance, and at our door is every delicacy, both new and old, that I have stored up for you, my lover."

At this point he reminded the wives of the need for old and new "fruits".

Summing up the lesson Tommy asked...
"Who's supposed to be in charge of romance?"... THE MAN!
He says if you don't have romance you will not be blessed... period.

To elaberate further Mitch has challanged the men to complete the following tasks for 2 weeks~
1. Say I LOVE YOU everyday! (he says you should already do this often and Dani reminded us that we do not know what life will bring next and we don't want anything to come without saying this)
2. Make a list of 10 things you LOVE about your spouce. Look them IN THE EYE and tell them what they are. (He says you shouldn't have to read them off the paper if you LOVE these 10 things.)
3. Find a compliment EVERYDAY! (WIVES TOO... TO YOUR HUSBAND)
-1 Cor 10:13
-You should CONSUME your thoughts with your spouce.
-Husbands, your wife is not a victum, she is a participant.
- remember, he says, consume your mind with faithful thoughts
4. Remember the importance of ALONE TIME
5. Make a reservation for dinner. Shock your wife!

Good luck with these... we all know that Mitch will ask!!!

I hope this was a great lesson for everyone. Doing the blog on this was a bit awkward.. there were a few things I left out that sounded better out of Mitch's mouth. I'll gladly update it if I need to though! ;)

I hope everyone's had a great week. TGIF!!!

Jessica

2009-10-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

The Art of Conflict

Here are 17 points that can radically change how you deal with conflict.

There are some things in conflict that you and your spouse can never do. If you do as many as just about 5 of these things then you are already alienating your spouse. Stop!

17 practical things you should never do in a conflict.
1. Never raise your voice in your home. (Your home should = peace.)
2. Never embarrass you mate in public.
3. Never argue in front of children.
4. Never use the kids to win an argument.
5. Never talk outside the relationship. (Don’t talk bad about your spouse to coworkers, friends or family.-Especially if you know they might encourage you to think bad of your spouse.) - “It’s hard to respect in private who you just rammed down in public.”
6. Never use sex to win.
7. Never touch in anger.
8. Never call names.
9. Never get “historical”. (Don’t bring up a past mistake to “use” against your spouse.) - “Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.”
10. Never stomp out. (Children do this. Adults should be more mature than to have such behavior.)
11. Never freeze your mate by not talking to your mate. (This is a severe form of abuse. Don’t try to control, instead talk things through with your spouse.)
12. Never use the in-laws.
13. Never reason in the face of pain. (i.e. When your spouse tells you that you hurt them somehow and you come back with, “Well I did that (or said that) because . . .” Don’t ever reason, no matter what just say (and mean it), “I am sorry. Will you please forgive me?”)
14. Never let the sun go down on your anger.
15. Never reverse the argument.
16. Never fail to listen.
17. Never harden yourself against your mate.
Keep passion and delight alive.

“Great couples are great because they imitate Christ.”

Remember:
Love not only allows you to forgive but to also forget.
“Where sin increases, grace abounds.”
Don’t react to your mate, let God to the chastening.
Don’t look out for your own personal interest but for the interest of others. Be kind, considerate and respectful of others.

“To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted

and humble in spirit; . . . “ - 1 Peter 3:8

2009-10-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

Intimacy
Song of Solomon - Passion and Purity

We are working through the book Song of Solomon. Braking it down verse by verse allows us to learn God’s plan for sex. Very interesting!

Teacher Tommy Nelson defines each verse as follows:

Song of Solomon 4:1-16
1 How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. The man is undressing the woman. He’s taking her hair down. He’s talking to her.
2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. He’s talking about her teeth. (She is smiling at him.)
3 Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. He brushes her lips and her eyes.
4 Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors. He brushes her neck then her necklace. Then he slips her dress off . . .
5 Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. He compares her breast to two gazelles. Of course you would approach gazelles very slowly, very carefully.
6 Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense. Even though the woman wants to be treated gently, the man is telling her he could be with her all night long.
7 All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you. He’s telling his wife she is altogether lovely.
8 Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon. Descend from the crest of Amana, from the top of Senir, the summit of Hermon, from the lions' dens and the mountain haunts of the leopards. He assures her that he is not going to harm her or hurt her. (Notice the man is taking the lead the whole time.)
9 You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. He tells her that she is making his heart beat faster! (He is about to touch her.)
10 How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice! He smells her, he taste her.
11 Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon. He touches her. Her lips taste like honey. (The first kiss is sweet.)
12 You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain. He comes down to the sexual area of her, her refers to it as a rock sealed garden.
13 Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates with choice fruits, with henna and nard, He’s in the garden. (The woman gives herself to the man.) He tells her she is the sweetest thing he’s ever had! The woman is awakened by the man.
Did you notice the slow steps the man gently took to make love to his wife?
14 nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with every kind of incense tree, with myrrh and aloes and all the finest spices.
15 You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon.
The woman finally speaks: 16 Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits. The north wind (the strongest wind so she's calling him strong) is what she calls her husband. She speaks to him in love and encourages him to do what she knows he wants to do.

Women like strong men, men that are leaders.
A woman’s most sensitive sexual organ is her mind.
God created sex and means for us to enjoy sex in a marriage relationship.

The key to great sex is friendship. The key to great friendship is to talk openly with your spouse about tenderness, courtesy, respect, selflessness, understanding, etc.

The word “my” was used 9 times in the verses above. Meaning, you are only each other’s. NO ONE ELSES!
Proverbs 5:18-23
18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.
20 Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?
21 For a man's ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths.
22 The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast.
23 He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.

No strip club, playboy, etc. will go unnoticed by God. You can’t give any of yourself to anyone, anything, but your wife. If you do, you personally will suffer.

Malachi 2:15
15 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

Women: True happiness for your man is he has to win at home and at work.
He needs a work for a purpose, a woman to love and a will to obey.
Above all else he must have your respect in all areas.
Men: Your wife needs for you to provide more or better intimacy.
She has to feel secure financially and emotionally.
She needs conversation with you.
Your wife needs significance, your affection - especially non-sexual touch.
Treasure her, love on her, hug her.

Reflection Questions
Do you work to keep your passion alive? Do you keep it pure?
Do you know your spouse’s love language? Do you work to speak it?
Do you sacrifice for your spouse, putting yourself BELOW your spouse?
Matthew 6:21 - “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Stress Proofing Your Marriage

2009-09-18T08:09:00.000-07:00

The following verses are very important. . .
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” - Matthew 6:25-34

Whenever you have the blessing of God in your life you don’t have to worry about tomorrow. Trust God.
In Matthew 22 a Pharisee asks, "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
When prioritized relationships are the focus of your life you are fulfilled.
But sometimes things get out of focus. Worry destroys relationships.
God cares about relationships.
If you don’t understand love you will never understand God. If you don’t understand God you will never understand love.
The only way you’ll be able to focus on God and your relationships is to trust God. (Hebrews 11:6)

“The journey is the destination” It’s not about rushing to tomorrow, it’s about stopping NOW today and enjoying special times with your spouse.
In getting to our hoped for tomorrows sometimes we don’t actually live in today.
There are two curses of the driven life.
1-Not getting what you want.
2-Getting what you want! (We don’t actually know what’s best for us. God does though.)

There is a fine line between diligence and drivenness. It takes faith to stop. God commands us to stop one day out of 7. Diligence is a virtue - be a determined worker. But drivenness is pushing yourself over and over never wanting to stop. Don’t worry about others getting ahead of you. If you have the blessing of God on you, you won’t miss anything. God blesses us even in our sleep!
The #1 reason for sickness today is stress related illness. Physical problems and depression, etc. We have to remember, marriage takes energy and priority. Exhaustion can even cause sexual problems in the marriage.
God did not create us to constantly go.
Stop. Turn the tv off, the computer off, put down your cell phone. Nothing you can give your child or spouse tomorrow can make up for what you can give them today.
If you seek first the things that are important, He will give you all the things you need. When prioritized relationship are the focus of your life you are fulfilled.
You may not see tomorrow but you are living in today. Seek God’s blessings for your life TODAY.

Divorce Proof Your Marriage

2009-09-05T17:53:00.000-07:00

"Divorce Proof" Your Marriage

About half of all marriages end in divorce.
John, chapter 4, talks about a woman who had been divorced 5 times and Jesus went out of his way to love on her. God hates divorce but he forgives.
Divorce is devastating and leaves deep scars.

Here are the 10 warning signs of divorce.

#1 - Lack of pre-marriage preparation, ignorance, etc.
Make marriage a life long lesson. Always be learning! Jimmy Evans suggest reading at least one marriage help book together every year.
Always have a teachable spirit. If you are not married yet or know someone who’s engaged encourage them to receive premarital counseling.

#2 - Coming from a broken home.
You record your parents behavior as you grow up. If you came from a broken family you have to just realize that someone made a mistake but that God forgives and you can forgive your parents too.
If it was you that divorced, you have to stop running. Every time you divorce your chance for yet another divorce goes up. Decide to make the marriage your in work. Seek whatever help you need to put God first in your marriage. End the cycle of divorce in your life or in your family.

#3 - Living together before marriage.
People think you have to “kick the tires before you buy the car” but what that does is increases the chance of abuse. If gives more of a chance for infidelity and less intimacy. If you live together before marriage, you are saying to the other person, “I’m going to see how good you are to me before I commit”. Notice that this is the opposite of vows you take for marriage. When you wed you vow what you will do for the other person NOT what you want the other person to do for you.
The spirit of every great relationship is a sacrificial one.
Don’t live together or have sex until you are ready to commit. Really commit with vows and promises before God to your partner (marriage).
Marriage says, “I’m here for good”. Living together does not say that.

#4 - Weak spiritual foundations.
Don’t try to get out of people what you can only get from God. We all have a Jesus size hole inside of us. No human can fill that. Don’t look to your spouse to complete you. Only God can do that. When you have a strong spiritual relationship, you don’t have a co-dependant relationship with your spouse. - If you don’t feel empty, you don’t look for your spouse to fill you. Look to God.

#5 - Poor relationship support.
1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.”
Adultery and divorce run in groups. The group that you run with precedes divorce. What Jimmy is saying is that if you have friends who are having affairs, who want a divorce or who “put marriage down” then get rid of them because you will be corrupted by them. Surround yourselves with couples that loves each other, want to be/stay married and who put each other first and God at the head of their marriage.

#6 - Chronic criticism and negativity.
This is not talking about complaining but a tone that sets up in in the relationship, cutting each other down, nagging, nit picking.
Proverbs 18:20 says, “A man’s belly shall be satisfied with the fruit of his mouth and with the increase of his lips shall he be filled.”
Some times the first thing you can do to help your marriage is just be quiet!

#7 - Chronic anger and unresolved conflict.
“In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold.” - Ephesians 4:26-27
Fresh anger is not the problem, everyone experiences anger. Do not store anger in your spirit. Don’t justify sin because of your anger. Don’t give the devil a foothold. Talk things out. Long-term anger becomes contempt and the definition of contempt is “an attitude of utter disgust or hatred.”

#8 - Blame transfer.
The blame game started back with Adam and Eve. Neither one of them would take the blame of eating the apple. Part of the sin was Eve’s fault, part of it was Adam’s but neither would take the blame for what they themselves did.
Defensiveness can lead to divorce. Don’t make your spouse feel that if they tried to tell you how something is bothering them you would never take responsibility for what you are doing. Even if you think you only are responsible for 30% of the problems, fix THAT without concentrating on the other 70%. You need to tell your spouse that they can come to you about any problem they have with you and you will listen and try to fix it, with a good attitude. That’s the tone of a healthy marriage.

#9 - A non-committed shopper’s mentality related to your spouse and family.
Having the mentality of, “If you don’t please me, I’m shopping. (There are other people I could have.)”
There’s no security in this! It’s a negative commitment, “I’m here for now until I find something better.”
What we SHOULD have is a gardener’s mentality. “If I notice something in you that I don’t like then I’m going to do whatever it takes to help you.”
NEVER compare your spouse to anyone else!!!

#10 - A non-scriptural, secularized (Godless) view of marriage and divorce.
Matthew 19:3-9 - Some Pharisees came to Jesus to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh, so they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

Regard marriage as sacred. God put you together - His spirit is holding you together right now.
Trust God, pray, make your marriage work.

2009-08-26T20:33:00.000-07:00

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Love never fails.” - 1 Corinthians 13:4&8a

“Rust Proof” Your Marriage

When most people first get married they are in a “fever” of a relationship. But after a while relationships cool off. You can be married for a long time and still have a very “alive” relationship. You can also be married for just a few years and not have a marriage that’s on fire. While it may be normal for marriages to cool off, Jesus tells us through His word that He doesn’t like it. In Proverbs 5:18-19 Jesus says to men, “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.”

A love that has cooled off is already dying. Long before a marriage ends it has normalized and is not alive with passionate love. We accept this because we think it’s normal.
We all have passion in us. When we first get married our marriage and our spouse is our #1 passion. When you normalize that you are saying to your spouse, “I’m giving you up, you’re not my #1 passion anymore, accept that, that’s going to be the normal thing for the rest of our lives.”
GOOD NEWS
1 - God forgives always!
2 - You can restore any relationship. Your relationship with God and/or your relationship with your spouse.

Think about this: Every old junk yard car was at one time brand new, beautiful and treasured by someone.
There is a “chemical” that you can put on your marriage to keep it from ever rusting!
The chemical is romance.
Every woman and man needs romance! Romance is not just for women. It is not a mood it’s an atmosphere that we control. It’s not a seasonal thing (valentine’s) it’s an everyday thing. Romance is the cornerstone of passion and intimacy. Romance shouldn’t die down as you get older, it should always continue to grow. A couple who has been married for 50 years should be even more romantic than a newlywed couple.

What is romance?
Romance is meeting an unspoken need or desire. You should take the initiative to do things for your spouse that you know they need or would like.
Romance should be highly proactive. Never stop studying each other. You fall out of love when you quit studying each other.
Romance says: “You are on my heart.” When men do something like send flowers, it’s not the flowers but simply the thought that counts.
Romance says: “I’m paying attention because I want to please you.”

Half the reason you love anyone you’ll ever love in life is because you like the way they make you feel about yourself. A question by Jimmy Evans on the video was, “If it depends on you, how desired does your spouse feel?” Your answer is the amount of romance that you have. Love is our greatest need, rejection is our greatest fear. When we feel rejected it HURTS and we draw away.

“Speak” love in your spouses “language” in real ways sincerely from your heart.
Romance is very different for men and women. Romance should be a demonstration to your spouse not a lesson.
When you succeed in marriage you speak in the opposite language, your spouses, not your own. You start learning their language when you start dating. That’s why you’re so into them and in tune with what they like. Don’t ever stop learning!

The top needs for:
Men
Honor
Sex
Kindred fellowship
Domestic support

Women
Security
Open and honest communication
Non-sexual affection
Leadership

You can only be romantic with one person. Be consistent - the more you do the right thing, the more you want to do the right thing.
Ways to communicate a unique value to your spouse:
*Couples in love have a love language that no one else knows they have. (They have words for each other that they would never say to anyone else.)
*Show your spouse they have a value to you that no other person has to you!
*What we give - Be creative (Not just jewelry, etc. and material things!) Write sweet words to each other, etc. Men, put forth effort, don’t be so comfortable!

Men, tell your wife, in every creative way you can thing of in her language, how wonderful she is to you!

Women, tell your husband, in every creative way you can thing of in his language, how wonderful he is to you!

Always keep your marriage interesting and alive!
You must also insulate your marriage from outside negative harms. (If your friends, old habits, etc. bring in decay to your marriage, get rid of them!) Just because the world accepts something as normal doesn’t mean Jesus does! - Romans 12:2 - “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Confess to your spouse what you’ve done wrong and pray for each other. - James 5:16 - “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”

Remember, your romance has to come out of true love, it has to be real to work.
The Lord will give you the power to “rust proof” your marriage. - James 4:7&8a - “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.”

Ephesians 5 - The perfect plan for marriage

2009-08-21T08:09:00.000-07:00

Ephesians 5:
21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

In Ephesians 5 lie the rules to a successful marriage. Be openminded to accommodate these verses. ANYONE has the skills for this. Don’t use your spouse as an excuse.
There is no plan B! God created marriage and has ONE plan for marriage.
Most people like what this says about their spouse not what it says about them and what they should do. It is important to your spouse that you do what Ephesians 5 says.

There are three reasons why this plan is perfect.

The #1 reason the plan in Eph. 5 is perfect…
The rules in Eph 5 make us attractive to our spouse. Women, respect your husband. Men gravitate to the place where they get the most honor.
The number one need of a man is honor. The number one need of a woman is security.
Eph. 5 tells men to lay down their life for her…
A man who is sacrificing and working for her is what a woman wants. Character is about what’s on the inside. Any man is un-attracted to an un-honoring woman. Any woman is attracted to a man who lets her know he would lay anything down for her WITH a good attitude!

1 Peter 3:
1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Women, being submissive to your husband does not mean to be a door matt! It means to respect him and honor him by letting him lead as God intended. Praying for him to not be passive but to take on the leadership role of the family with vigor, seeking God’s will. Ladies, God wants us to have “a gentle and quiet spirit”. We are not supposed to be loud and brass, demanding our own way and independence but we are supposed to be under our husband.

The #2 reason the plan in Eph. 5 is perfect…
It releases the potential in our spouse. Statistics show that men are healthier and live longer if they are married vs. single. The number one response of every man should be to bring his wife to her full potential that she was made for. He should nourish and cherish her. He should have the mind set of “I have been sent here by God to help my wife become the best she can be!” Men reflect the glory of God but women reflect the glory of men. God will judge men on how they treated women and the women He put in their lives (not just their wives but daughters, daughters in-law, granddaughters, etc.).

God’s role for women: Proverbs 31:
10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Men never “become” in an environment of criticism. A good wife is a good cheerleader. Think about what cheerleaders do. They literally shout encouragement. If the player messes up then they say things like, “That’s ok, good try, good job!” They don’t scream, “What were you thinking! How stupid are you!” And their attitudes don’t “say” that either!
Men will do anything for honor.
Women, remember to say negatives things in a positive way but always be a cheerleader!

The rules in Eph. 5 disable our sin nature and keep us from destroying the relationship or the marriage. We all have a sin nature but men and women sin in different ways.
Women have a prideful independence that makes them buck authority.
Men are passive. They don’t take charge and control.
The more passive a man is, the more independent a woman becomes. Men resent this so the more the woman tries to become independent of her husband the more passive he becomes! It is a dangerous cycle.
When a man is willing to do what Eph. 5 says, it crucifies his desire to be passive and he will take care of his family. You do not have peace by laying down your sword but by fighting till all the enemies are gone. Men, fight what is hurting your family!

The #3 reason the plan in Eph. 5 is perfect…
It sensitizes us to our spouses needs. It makes us want to meet each others needs. Some needs only God can meet but many needs can be met by our spouse. If we could meet our own needs then why would we need our spouse?
1 Corinthians 11:11 - In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman.
________________________________________
I’ve copied and pasted Mitch’s thoughts below.

Notes from the Lesson on Sunday:

Ephesians 5:22

THERE IS NO PLAN B

Men:
· Do we sacrifice?
· Are we defensive or selfish?
· If sacrifice means cleaning or washing clothes, can you sacrifice?
· Will you sacrifice to meet her needs?

Key to a man’s heart:
We are attracted to honor and respect. We need to earn your respect and be respected.

Women:
· Are you respectful?
· A gentle and quiet spirit is what God asks from you.
· Men will go to the place where the feel they get honor!
· Women you have the key.

Men, women need to feel secure. Will you lay down your life for your wife? We must sacrifice to succeed. Help around the house without being told or asked to do so.

No man is attracted to a disrespectful woman. No woman is attracted to a lazy man.

Honor and respect make a man lower his guard.

Ephesians 5:22 creates oneness and provides instruction to make us relate perfectly.

Men do all we can to help our spouse or (partner for those not married yet) be all they can be? If not you better start, it is required of you!

Women are you a good cheerleader for your husband?
· Do you build him up?
· Do you say positive things vs. negative comments?
· Say negative things in a positive way…no one will loose

Our sin nature will try to destroy our marriage if we allow it to do so and don’t attempt to control it.

Men sacrifice for your wives.

Women honor and respect your husband. Always have your husbands blessing and don’t fly solo. As the video and Jimmy Evans pointed out, too much independence can cause problems.
Men do anything but be passive! Men we have double duty! If we do what Ephesians 5 tells us we will be anything but passive. Be what you were made to be. Adam should have killed the snake (remember the video)…if we need to clean, be the best! If you are called to do it, do it!

Are we meeting our spouse’s needs? Unmet needs are a poison to marriage!

We are married to meet each others needs!

Why are we so Defensive?

2009-08-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday Mitch and Dani talked about being defensive. For those of you that were there you will remember us having to recall the most recent thing we (as a couple) were defensive about. Difficult for some, yes but, the point was to have us realize that our defensiveness becomes a barrier between the two of us! It may be something about family, work, a child, or simply our relationship. It starts out as something so small but, if not worked out repetitive small things may turn into something worse.

Here are a few things that bring about barriers when it comes to being defensive towards each other:

-Having a defensive attitude allows you to hear things the wrong way.
They suggested working on this by using the "Mirror Effect". (Eg. When one person says something and the other gets a horrible look on their face one might say "I don't think you heard me right, what do you think I just said?" And go from there...)

-Pressing the Wrong Buttons
We all know that when it comes to being defensive we know what buttons to press. As Mitch gave one example he explained..."The more buttons you press the worse the anger gets. More anger means a deeper wound!" So in other words, if you know something is bothering your spouse, don't push the wrong buttons, just be there for them. Dani also reminded us that we fell in love with him/her for who they are, not who we want the to become so that we can be happier in a bad moment. So we should pray for the Lord to work on them so that he can use them to further His Kingdom, not so that we may be happier in that moment.

As James 4:1-3 says; " What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."

-Defensiveness also bring Emotions that cause Barriers
Some of these emotions may be: doubt, frustration, feeling worthless, feeling helpless, anger, wondering why, etc. Mitch listed some reasons for feeling these emotions. He said we may be defensive because we are feeling that our self worth is threatened, there is an unresolved conflict, a bad work experience, feeling like our spouse is trying to parent us, or simply a lack of sleep and exercise.

ALL OF THESE EMOTIONS CAUSE SEPARATION! Maybe for just that very second but, again, if these things are not worked on as Mitch and Dani said, a build up of these things could possibly cause permanent separation. Remember to try to bring the Lord into every situation. You want to use any possible argument for Glory.

Romans 8:28 " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Proverbs 18:2 "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."

As Dani said, remember that it is okay for you to pray for your spouse to change but, it it is for your own good, you are praying in the WRONG motive! Remember to pray for them to change according to the Lord's will, so that they may be used for His Glory!

Also, remember that there are three ways of being defensive:
Verbally
Withdrawing
Speaking through you children

Lastly, Dani and Mitch want us to evaluate the problem.
Events- What happened to lead you to this?
History- Is there anything from your childhood that makes you defensive about this specific thing?
Attitudes- Any unresolved conflict
Discusion- MAKE SURE to discuss it.

Here are a few other scriptures that were used during the lesson:
1 Peter 3:7
Romans 15:7

It was really good seeing everyone Sunday morning! Todd and I have really enjoyed becoming a part of this class. We already learned A LOT and look forward to everything else in the near future. :)

Dani and Lesa~ I am far from the two of you but, I hope this will do for this week. Thanks!

Our Differences

2009-08-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

“It is understanding that gives us an ability to have peace. When we understand the other fellow‘s viewpoint, and he understands ours, then we can sit down and work out our differences.” - Harry S. Truman

This week we talked about our differences and how they can be blessings in marriage. We also talked about how they can present problems and what we can do about those problems.

What makes you different from your spouse?
Gender
Perspectives
Temperaments
Backgrounds
Preferences
Roles

Most people have many differences. Men and women are very different! For example, the way we communicate. Most women like to share their feelings while most men are about “just the facts.”

We have to be understanding and work with each other.

Differences are not meant to be hindrances to achieving God’s purposes in your marriage. Differences are God’s tools to teach us to trust Him and His goodness.

Remember, two halves together can be stronger then one whole by its self because you take the “positives” from both halves and put them together. God made us so that we complement each other. We are supposed to be different. While many of our differences are because we are stubborn and selfish, not all of our differences are the product of a sinful nature. - After God created Adam He then created Eve very differently so that she would complete Adam. - Men and women are created differently by God and no matter how close husband and wife grow together or grow in Christ they will always have differences.

Our differences generate spiritual gifts.
“There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.” - 1 Corinthians 12:4-7

One reason why our differences can cause conflict is because we are selfish. Everyone has a natural tendency to be self centered and today’s culture promotes and encourages selfishness. We need to be more selfless and submit to our spouse. This does not mean to be a “door matt” but to die unto yourself so that you actually want to place your spouses needs and wants ahead of your own.

Another way our differences can cause conflict may be when we simply do not understand our spouse. James 1:5 tells us we can ask God for better understanding, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” And 1 John 5:14 assures us that God will hear us if we ask, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.”

Ask your spouse how you can do better. Pray together and talk things out, being careful how you say things, and remember to focus on the problem not the person. Don’t become defensive. Be open to criticism and change. Changing how you think and feel towards your spouse will not only help your spouse but it will help you. - “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others.” - Philippians 2:3-4

“Opposites” might have attracted you and your spouse to each other but sometimes after the “newness” wears off the “different” things that you liked about your spouse become the very things that drive you crazy. Ask God to show you what you can change about yourself and ask Him for patience and love in dealing with your spouse's differences. Sometimes we may just need to pray for God to give us a “blind eye” to some of the things that irritate us.

God’s expectations for us - 1 Peter 3:8-11
“Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.”

And remember, no matter how different you are, your core beliefs and values should be the same.

This week Dan recommended Gary Chapman’s book, “Covenant Marriage: Building Communication & Intimacy”.

Prayer Request
Nancy Hash, bladder cancer and a tumor on her aorta
Bonnie's sister is dealing with depression
1 unspoken request for Lesa
Matthew's aunt, stroke and brain aneurism. Has to have surgery.
Josh's brother in-law, Tim
Dan's niece in-law, Alison, was recently diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma
Lindsay’s grandmother was recently diagnosed with cancer
2 unspoken people our class can pray for

Praise God that Marsha's hip scan turned out to be clear of cancer!

Remember that Dr. Page has asked the church to memorize 1 Corinthians 10:4-5.

Ladies, we are trying to start a Bible study for the women of our class. If you are interested please email Dani so we can get something organized and started soon!

Also, Marsha wanted to let the ladies know that the church will be doing a Beth Moore study this January. Let Marsha know if you are interested.

Priorities

2009-07-28T11:29:00.000-07:00

“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” - Psalm 90:12 (If we retained an eternal perspective, we would surely order our choices by eternal values.)

What does a person’s priorities say about them?
-What you spend the most time on is what’s most important to you!

What do you spend your time doing?

This is what our priorities should be.
#1. God
#2. Your family
Your spouse should come first then your children and then all other family members.
#3. Your vocation (your job, work)
#4. Your ministry through the church. (anything you do for/with the church, giving of your time, etc. all the way down to your tithe)
#5. Everything else in life

If one of these priorities is out of order then all the other things will not be in proper order.

God doesn’t give us more to do then He gives us the time to. He created each day to have 24 hours.

We live in such a fast paced world, it is easy for our priorities to get out of line. The world wants us to concentrate on things that are not even important.
People used to take time to visit others. To sit and talk, to encourage others. To make phone calls just to see how someone is doing. To handwrite notes and actually put them in the real mail! To open their house to friends, family, church and even just acquaintances. To keep each other’s children (for free!) and to give a helping hand to anyone that needed it. People used to take time to go to funerals and to keep in touch with their families, not just when someone got married or died. These were the days before we had so many timesavers like clothes dryers, dishwashers, microwaves, computers, tv’s, etc.
How ironic that we have so many “inventions” that save us time and give us more time yet we are too busy for the real, important things!

In the Bible, Jesus’ life is never portrayed as too fast paced or busy. The only time He ever seemed to have a pressured attitude was during prayer.

We remember the story when Jesus was on the boat with the disciples and a great storm came up. The disciples were so worried and they were afraid. Jesus was asleep! His comment to the disciples was, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" If we had more faith we would be more laid back.

God does believe that work is important, we must work to have provisions for life. We must be able to provide for our family (and also relatives outside of our immediate family if need be). “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” - 1 Timothy 5:8

But we should keep it in order on our list of priorities. Work should never come before God or family. And when working we should keep our mind on the important things that we are working for. We should not get so sidetracked with material things that do not bring God glory or that we do not need.

“Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint. Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone, for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle.” - Proverbs 23:4-5

Whatever our job is, even if it’s being a stay at home mom, while at work we should make the most of every opportunity to use our jobs for Christ. If we cause an upset at our job or do not perform as well as we can then we ruin opportunities, including being a witness for Christ through our attitudes.

Work should not be so consuming that it takes your eyes off of your other priorities.

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” - Matthew 6:26

Keeping our priorities in order can be hard. But the more something “costs” you the more glory it brings to God. Remember the story of the widow who only had two mites to give and how precious that gift was to God.
The example given in class was: If it is hard for you to get up in the mornings and that puts your schedule behind and your time with God out of order then if you did make yourself wake up earlier to have more time for God, that would make that time even more precious to you and to God and it would bring God even more glory because it had “cost” you.

Prayerfully consider what your other priorities should be. What you think God wants them to be. What you’re praying about has to be in God’s will and what you’re pursuing to do (your priorities) has to be what God wants you to do. Pray that He will take away any desires you have to do something that’s not His will.

You can also read:
Ecclesiastes 8:5-7
Proverbs 4:25-27
Proverbs 5:21
Isaiah 30:21

Prayer Requests
Grace Cameron’s baby that’s due
Corey Savage’s father was in a bad accident and is not a Christian...in ICU
Nancy Hash, bladder cancer and a tumor on her aorta
2 unspoken requests from girls in our class
Matthew's aunt, stroke and brain aneurism. Has to have surgery.
Victoria, April Rogers daughter, is having surgery Wednesday
Dan's nephew's fiancé, Alison, was recently diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma (she’s only 23)
Ellen’s grandmother who is sick and in the hospital
Lindsay’s grandmother who is anemic and getting very week. They are waiting on test results.
2 unspoken people our class can pray for

Don't forget the Single Mom's Oil Change is THIS coming Saturday, August 1st.
Also, remember that Dr. Page has asked the church to memorize 1 Corinthians 10:4-5.

Expectations for Marriage

2009-07-21T17:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not as good at this as Lindsay, and it has been a while, but here goes :)

Welcome to Josh, Tiffany, Allison, Jon, Todd, and Jessica! It was so great to see you all on Sunday, and I hope we will see you again on Sunday. Our next topic will be on overcoming the barrier of time.

This past Sunday, Dan taught on God's expectation for marriage.
The main passages were Proverbs 5:18-23 and 1 Peter 3:1-2, 7-12 and Ephesians 5:22-23
In Proverbs 5:18-23, God gives four instructions for marriage.
1. Rejoice in the wife of your youth (v. 18)
2. Be satisfied with what you have (v. 19)
3. Be captivated (vv. 19-20)
4. Be disciplined (v. 23)
God compares the need we should have for our spouse to the need we have for water. Drink from your own well...we all need to practice discipline in our commitment to each other to keep us from the cords of sin.

In 1 Peter 3:1-2, 7-11 Peter gives several instructions. First, he tells husbands to be considerate to there wives and to be respectful of everyone. Everyone includes the wife :)
Peter also refers to the wife as the weaker partner, but he only referring to physical weakness. In 1 Corinthians 12:22, Paul says that "those parts that seem to be weaker are indispensable." We are both equally important, however, there is no denying that we are diffent. God created this delicate balance between husband and wife.

1 Peter 3:8-12 talks about submission. Submission is freely given, not demanded. Though the reference in Peter is referring to the wife he later goes on to say that we are to live in harmony. In Ephesians 5:21 we are told to submit to one another. Submission is a requirement of both parties. That submission should model the same submission we have in our relationship with Christ. There are four actions we can take to help us persue that harmony:
1. be sympathetic
2. love as brothers
3. be compassionate
4. be humble
How can you apply those guidelines in your relationship?

Finally, Peter gives us instructions on fighting evil (vv. 9-11)
1. Do not repay evil with evil
2. Do not repay insult with insult (so hard, right?)
3. But repay both of those with blessing (really hard)

Don't forget the Single Mom's Oil Change coming up on August 1.
Also, Dr. Page has asked the church to memorize 1 Corinthians 10:4-5. I think it is a great verse to pray over your marriage as you grow as a couple and learn to fight Satan's attacks together!

Putting on your glasses

2009-07-14T11:46:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! It was so good to see everyone at the pool on Saturday! I had the best time!

Announcements:
Sign up if you want your picture in the Church Directory. It is a great way to know other people's names and let them get to know you.

Call Jason (430-3770) if you want to join the Softball league on Monday nights. Dani sent out an email with more info.

Mark Brown's daughter, Erin, is getting married this Saturday and the entire church is invited. Dani has the invitation if you knew her and are interested.

Prayer requests:
Dan's nephew's fiance, Alison, was recently diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. They were supposed to get married later in the year, but have moved the wedding date up to next Saturday so that he can move in with her and take care of her. She is only 23 years old.

Ellen's grandmother is also sick and in the hospital.

Bonnie's sister, Katie, is going through very severe depression right now.

Topic for today:
Okay, this is a very difficult blog for me to relay because Mitch spoke to us very personally from his heart. I will do my best to try to summarize the information, but I urge anyone who wasn't there and has questions to talk to Mitch!

We started out by watching a video where a guy goes through life constantly annoyed by everyone around him: there is a boy in his bike who gets in his driveway when he is trying to pull out, too much traffic, someone takes his parking spot, a long line for coffee, then they are out of what he wants when he gets up there, etc. While he is waiting for his order, a stranger comes and gives him a pair of glasses. As soon as he puts them on, he can see everything that everyone around him is feeling: all their pains, all their fears, all their problems.

Mitch challenged us: If you had these glasses, would you wear them? Wouldn't it be an unbearable burden? How often would you wear them?
He reminded us of Dr. Page who DOES have the burdens of an entire church on his shoulders. He has more on his heart than any of us can imagine.

Reasons to have these glasses:
1. For God - He wants us to look at someone's pain and know how to help.
2. For our spouse - know what they need.
3. For others - we can know what others are going through and help them.

In premarital counseling in our church, every couple is urged to come to this class. It is so important for them so that they can hear the 5 topics that we discuss that are so important to having a strong marriage. We want couples in our church to have a healthy marriage so they can raise healthy kids. When people walk in to our class room, we don't know what is on their hearts. Ask God to show us other's pain so that we can reach out to them in the way that they need. Give the people in this class everything we've got. Satan wants to destroy marriages. If we take everything that the devil means for evil and use it for GOOD, we will beat him.

Mitch was writing this talk while he was in the hospital recovering from his ulcer. He wrote the words, "I believe there is no such thing as chance. God is in control." At that VERY MOMENT, two ladies sitting next to him: both had the same type of cancer. One was strong and courageous ready to fight the cancer. The other was weak and giving up. The stronger lady said they were placed there to help each other through and then said the exact words that Mitch had just writing down in his computer, "I believe there is not such thing as chance. God is in control."

Was this chance?

He doesn't think so.

Read John 5:14-15
James 1:6
James 4:3
Mark 11:24
Matthew 21:23
Luke 11:13

Don't let Satan attack our group. There has been a tough situation lately where Satan has been trying. Pain and tough situations happen. Remember that we can beat him by taking these situations and letting God use them for good. Continue to reach out to others around you. Ask God to show you their pain and show you how to help them so that we can be united as a body in Christ!

Read Job 38 (what a powerful passage! One of my favorites!!!) If God can give good, he can control bad. Satan hates marriage and succeeds every day to make Christians divorce. Our class is going to be under attack because we are obeying God and we have to stand even firmer. God is our shephard. Don't let the "wolf" divide us.

Dan's Management Recommendations

2009-06-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

1. Set your money management goals and values and live by them.

2. Establish a budget based on your values and update it every year.

3. Find a job you enjoy doing. If represents 2080+ hours a year of your life. Work hard and be good at your job as you would honor the Lord.

4. But, leaver your job at the office. Put your family before your job.

5. Never buy a car at night. The bright lights make it shine and you can't see all the dents.

6. Buy used cars.

7. Never grocery shop when you're hungry.

8. The price for nearly everything is negotiable: furniture, hotel rooms, cars, you name it. Just ASK for a discount.

9. Decide what you need before you go shopping. Get what you need and go home. Never buy on an impulse or in a hurry. If the seller says you must buy now (buy before midnight) or loose the deal, walk away.

10. Shop before you buy to get the best value.

11. I strongly recommend that married couples have one shared bank account. You are to be one. If you can't trust each other with your money, you have some big issues to deal with.

12. Balance your checking account every month.

13. Pay off credit cards every month. Do not be late or you will get hammered with 21.99% interest.

14. Do not miss payments. But if you do, call and ask forgiveness the late charges. If will still be on your record.

15. If you get a raise, do not raise your lifestyle to spend it all.

16. Give to a charity you know the details of or are involved in. Be open to give what the Lord tell you to give: 10% or more.

17. Save 10% or more of what you make. Pay attention to your investments and be knowledgeable of them but do not be consumed or worry over them. Save, but don't just live for the future. Live every day.

18. Agree on your investments, and both of you should know what you have and what it is invested in. Keep good records. Get a file cabinet and folders.

19. Don't waste money. $4 per work day for a Starbucks adds up to $1040 after tax earnings per year. At a 30% federal and state tax rate, that is $1486 of earnings pre year!

20. You can find good stuff at garage sales.

21. Pay cash for all toys.

22. Have a will.

23. Camp on vacation. You will focus on your family, get to know them better, and spend less money.

24. Give gifts from the heart, not from the check book.

25. Don't speed. The tickets and added insurance costs run into serious wasted money, trust me.

Money

2009-06-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

This week Dan talked to us about finances. We were SO glad to have Christen and Joshua join us in our group! They have only been married 3 weeks, and it was such a pleasure having them join us!

The Bible talks more about money than any other subject. There are 2,350 verses just about money! We can't neglect this subject as a part of our Christian duty. How we treat money reveals our heart, who we trust, who we really are!

Money is blamed for more failed marriages than any other thing.

Here are several verses that talk about money. We discussed them and what each one teaches us about what God expects from us financially.

Psalm 24:1 - The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it

Proverbs 27:23-24 - Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; for riches do not endure forever, and a crown is not secure for all generations

Proverbs 28:19-20 - He who works his land will have abundant food, but the one who chases fantasies will have his fill of poverty. A faithful man will be richly blessed, but one eager to get rich will not go unpunished.

Matthew 6:19-21 - Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 6:31-34 - So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Luke 12:32-34 - Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Luke 9:25 - What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?

1 Timothy 6:6-11 - But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.

Luke 16:10 - Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

Leviticus 19:13 - Do not defraud your neighbor or rob him. Do not hold back the wages of a hired man overnight.

Deuteronomy 26:12-14 - When you have finished setting aside a tenth of all your produce in the third year, the year of the tithe, you shall give it to the Levite, the alien, the fatherless and the widow, so that they may eat in your towns and be satisfied. Then say to the LORD your God: "I have removed from my house the sacred portion and have given it to the Levite, the alien, the fatherless and the widow, according to all you commanded. I have not turned aside from your commands nor have I forgotten any of them. I have not eaten any of the sacred portion while I was in mourning, nor have I removed any of it while I was unclean, nor have I offered any of it to the dead. I have obeyed the LORD my God; I have done everything you commanded me.

1 Peter 1:18-19 - For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.

Malachi 3:8-12 - Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me. But you ask, 'How do we rob you?' In tithes and offerings. You are under a curse—the whole nation of you—because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not cast their fruit," says the LORD Almighty. "Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land," says the LORD Almighty.

God owns everything that we have. We are to take care of the stuff that we have been entrusted with. Pay what we owe; be honorable. Our money is not about us; we are commanded to help those in need. Money is perishable and possesions rot. Only the love of God lasts forever.

DOMINANCE in money will destroy a marriage, destroy the intimacy, and prevents partnership. When one spouse feels another is out of control, they will try to get that control back with dominance. Yes, we want to block our destructive behavior, but if you feel your spouse is out of control in the way they handle money, talk it out with them.

Chronic disagreement due to lack of a BUDGET is another problem encountered in marriage. The process of budgeting is more important than the budget itself because you are able to talk about and agree upon the value of your stuff. It keeps discussion proactive by forming a plan before a problem results and while emotions are still calm. If you don't have the skills to budget, go to someone outside the marriage who can help you.
Without a budget, how do you know when you've done the "wrong" thing? Every discussion will be a reactive one, and that is NOT GOOD!

A final problem in marriage is DEBT. Debt is not always a sin, but we still need to be cautious of it. Borrow money for essential or appreciable items only. (Credit card debt is NOT an essential item).
If you don't have savings, you are not living within your means!
The burden of debt robs the joy that you would get from owning that thing. Financial oppresion is the greatest oppresion you can be under!!

Mitch's challenge to everyone:
Where to you spend too much money? He and Dani are going to find that area where they overspend and set a monthly limit. He will put the dollar amount in an envelope, and when they have used it all up for the month, they can not spend any more on that "area."

Who wants to join them? We would love for you to share how this budget is working in your life over the next couple of weeks!

Personalities

2009-06-08T06:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, sorry I am a little behind!!

LAST week, Ken and Kathy finished up their discussion on personalities.

Men and women have very different personalities. Why do you think God made his "helper" so different from him? We decided it was to complete each other. If we were the same, we would not have the NEED for each other!

Ken and Kathy did a role play for us with the different personality "animals" discussed the week before and possible conflicts that could arise from the differences. We discussed them and what the people in each scenario could do to try to resolve the conflicts.

Examples:

1. The wife (lion) asks the husband to spray their Dogwood tress. He (golden retriever) wants to do it later, but she feels it needs to be done that day. He feels like he can never relax, always has something he needs to do. She feels like he is lazy and doesn't ever do anything.

2. The wife (beaver) asks the husband to sit down with her and work out a budget (planner). He doesn't think they need this financial plan-- they can just do it as they go (otter). She is discouraged because he doesn't take her seriously and they need a plan in order to prepare for the future! She is frustrated with his lack of responsibility for their future. He feels like she never wants him to be happy, she wants him to work ALL THE TIME.

3. The husband (otter) wants to go downtown to have fun, but the wife (beaver/lion) is tired and just wants to relax. She feels like he is always wanting to go, go, go... never will just relax. He feels like she is boring and never wants to have fun!

Next, they discussed the different ways that people have of arguing from Gary Chapman's book "Covenant Marriage." We talked about this earlier (see the post for May 3rd on Communication), but here is a quick reminder:

Hawk (similar to the lion) - wants DIRECT communication.

Owl (like the beaver) - is analytical, reasons, wants facts.

Ostrich (Otter) - puts his head in the sand, doesn't want to deal with conflict.

Dove (retriever) - will do anything to keep the peace.

If one person is very emotional, they are not going to respond well to someone who is trying to be logical. Ostriches (who never confront problems) or doves (who withdraw emotionally in order to please others) may end up with bitterness and resentment. How can you help someone you is afraid of conflict? You can try to avoid things that will set up defenses: eye contact, body posture, etc. Also, let them win sometimes!

Communication is made up of 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and 7% words. If your partner is not verbal, you can still know they are upset by observing their body language!

James 1:19 - My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

The enemy loves marital conflict! We need to practice active listening (asking "Are you saying....?" or "I feel like......") We hear through out deepest needs, so when we hear something that makes us feel unsafe or unrespected, we will react accordingly. We should be quick to listen (always trying to put yourself in your spouses view point), slow to speak (this is especially hard for the lion and otter), and slow to become angry. Anger is sometimes rooted in something completely different but can be lashed out at our spouses.

Philippeans 2:3-8 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!

Remember, conflict with your spouse should not be a matter of wrong verses right, but of different verses different!

Your God-given Personality

2009-05-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

Ken and Kathy Dority led us into our next topic of discussion: Personalities!

There are three areas that cause the most conflict in relationships:

1. Personality differences

2. Gender differences

3. Family of Origin (how you were raised, how we were taught to deal with conflict, etc)

We will be talking about the first topic. Research shows that our personality is formed 80% by nature/heredity and only 20% by nurture/environment. Therefore, we cannot go into marriage thinking we are going to change the other person because chances are (80%) they won't!

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

We took a personality test to help determine WHO we are, to help us to embrace and understand ourselves and each other. Click HERE to take a similar one.

After you have taken the test, answer these questions:

Do you agree with the results for yourself?

Does your spouse agree with the personalities you recorded for yourself?

Do you both view each other the same way, or is there some differences in the qualities you perceive for each other?

What parts of your personality cause the most conflict?

Animal Descriptions (and corresponding temperament): each person resulted with a specific animal that describes your personality. Here are the basic analyses of each one.

Lion (Choleric):

Born Leader

Likes immediate results

Decisive, strong-willed

Not afraid of confrontation

"Reader's digest" communication (likes the short version, facts only, no details)

Motto = "Just Do It!!"

Beaver (Melancholy):

Uses critical skills well

Makes careful decisions (can be hard to make a decision)

Is deep and reflective (analyzes things and other people)

Plans for the future

Turns anger inward (=depression)

May be poetic and creative

Motto = "Let's Do it Right!"

Otter (Sanguine):

Wants to have fun

Is a good motivator

Avoids the fine print

Focuses on the future

Avoids confrontation

Tremendous networker

Motto = "Let's have fun!"

Golden Retriever (Phlegmatic):

Loyal

Needs close relationships

Deep need to please

Heart full of compassion

Very adaptable

Reacts to sudden change

Motto = "Let's all get along!"

Personality conflicts-

A Beaver and an Otter are polar opposites and will conflict. The Beaver is very task oriented and slower, reflective while the Otter is very people oriented and all about having fun.

Likewise, a lion and a golden retriever are polar opposites. The Lion is dominant, task-based and fast paced. The Golden Retriever is a people person, slow paced, always just wanting to please.

Your greatest strength when carried to excess becomes your greatest weakness!

Things that can be a strength, like being social and talkative, can be a weakness if you allow it to get out of hand (not stopping to listen). Other examples could be someone who is a hard worker is GOOD, but if they don't take time to spend with their family it becomes a weakness. Being a perfectionist can be good because you want to always do your best, pay attention to detail, make things just right--- but can often become critical of self and others when taken to excess. Finally, a person who is patient is great... unless their patience becomes laziness. It is important to recognize what our strengths and weakness are, and then see how they are affecting those around us.

Personality Characters can also be helpful in analyzing our children. A parent who has a certain personality may try to mold their children into who THEY are and not who their child was born to be. Children may try to be someone they are not if parents don't accept them as they are, if they are trying to meet expectations for something they are not, or if they are trying to fit into an ideal that they receive from TV or other role models. Figure out who you ARE, not what you think you SHOULD be.

Communication, Part III

2009-05-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

There are several reasons why conversation can be difficult and we may choose not to talk (fatigue, stress, lack of interest, unresolved conflict). Still, no matter how busy you are, it is important to discipline yourself to make the time to talk!

Couples should talk about their needs, fears, dreams etc.

Ephesians 4:26-27 "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."

It is okay to be angry but do not sin as a result. Instead, we need to deal with our anger.

Three types of issues that cause anger:

1. Proactive issues - you can talk about the problem BEFORE it becomes a problem!

2. Reactive issues - you talk about the problem in the heat of the moment.

3. Radioactive issues - problems you cannot talk about (ex: money, politics)

Tips for resolution of anger:

1. Allow your spouse the right to complain. Often we don't let others complain because we don't want to hear it or it stresses us out. We need to understand that as a married couple, we have a responsibility to bear each other's burdens and needs.

Another reason for not allowing our spouse to complain is because it targets our insecurity. We aren't open to hearing their complaints because we feel we don't know how to meet their needs. We need to have the attitude of being "teachable."

A 3rd reason for avoiding complaints is because of our defensiveness. We won't allow others to get stuff out because we take it as a direct hit against ourselves.

Jimmy Evans compared this to returning merchandise to a store. The best stores will still make mistakes, but when you complain, they LISTEN and will do everything they can to help you. If we don't listen to each other, anger builds up and we can't deal with the problems.

2. Deal with anger. Anger opens the door to the Devil; he hates marriage because it is the most sacred institution God created. Letting anger sit over night allows a foothold for Satan to accuse your spouse.

Anger not dealt with will become depression. The psychological definition of depression is "anger turned inward."

Conversations should always start out gently and positively. The first 3 minutes of a conversation sets the tone for the rest of it.

3. Share your feelings, but don't try to interpret (others') feelings or to enforce them. If you have accumulated issues you haven't dealt with, just start with resolving ONE.

Our shield of faith that Dr. Page has been talking about in church is against the DEVIL, not against our spouse. Filter the shield so we are blocking out the attacks of the devil, but not blocking out our spouse. We should be listening to our spouse at all times.

John Gottman has intensely studied marriage and what makes it work. He discovered patterns about how partners relate to each other which can be used to predict – with 94% accuracy – which marriages will succeed and which will fail.

John Gottman's 4 predictors of divorce:

1. Criticism/sarcasm: having a critical nature or attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong

2. Contempt: Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him/her. This is "aged anger." Often, the conflict has been in the marriage so long that the anger has boiled into contempt.

3. Defensiveness: Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack. Not allowing the spouse to complain.

4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness. Basically, it is like telling your partner "I'm OUT! I don't want to deal with this anymore."

Homework. The following questions should be answered by each couple.

1. One time I felt really close to you was when we were talking about....
2. (women) Do you feel frustrated because your husband/partner doesn't talk to you enough? If so, how much more communication would feel right to you?
3. (men) Do you worry about your wife/partner repeating personal details you've told her? If so, what could she do to make you feel more secure about opening up?
4. Remind each other about how you first met and what attracted you to each other.

Also, we didn't take official prayer requests, but I know that Mitch is really, really sick right now. I don't think they know exactly what is wrong, but please pray for him and their family!

Next week, we are moving on to a new topic which Cathy will be teaching. See you all there!

Communication, Part II

2009-05-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!! We are so happy to have Carly and Will in our group now!!
The final date for the group social is going to be May 29th! Write it down now-- Dani will email us the time to meet at her house later.

How many people know they are a great communicator? How many people say one thing, but their spouse hears something completely different? How many feel they could be a better communicator?

Proverbs 18:20 says "From the fruit of his mouth a man's stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. "

The power of life and death resides within our tongue! We have the ability to kill with our words. Every word we speak is recorded in heaven and we will be accountable for it.
The effect our words can last a lifetime..... there are people today will hurting from a word that was spoken to them 20 years ago!

Problems with communication in marriage:
We don't understand the basic differences between men and women.
1. A woman's need for communication is a strong as the males need for sex. These are NEEDS, not just wants. One of the keys to a woman's sexuality is dependent on the male's communication with her. If a woman is going to meet her husband's need for sex, she has to learn to be more sexual than she naturally feels like being. On the same hand, if a man is going to meet his wife's need for communication, he needs to be more social than he naturally feels like being.

2. Men need to have just the right setting and circumstances in order to open up to deep and personal stuff. If the kids are running around screaming or he is distracted by something else he is doing, he won't be able to relax and completely open up. It is important that when you decide to sit down and talk, you make sure it is in an environment he can feel comfortable. Also, men need to know you will not tell others what he reveals to you. You have to be "vault" and be able to be trusted to keep secret your private issues.

3. If you don't understand the emotional nature of your husband, he will not open up. Men are modest and sensitive in the area of their egos. Remember, honor is their most important need. You cannot say stuff to others that will dishonor him or tell others his deepest thoughts because he will not feel safe. Every man wants a cheerleader, someone who they know is their biggest fan. Men can't receive information they way they want to unless every word the woman speaks is encoded with honor. In order to hear, you have to have your needs met. Men need honor. Women need security. The #1 thing to make a woman feel insecure is an insensitive, detached man.

Remember, the devil will do everything he can to destroy your marriage. Satan is constantly in heaven talking to God and trying to point out your faults. Luckily, God doesn't hear that anymore once you are saved. However, when Satan fails with God, the next person he will attack is your spouse. He will try to fill your head with accusations against your spouse. Do not let the devil get a foothold in your marriage. Our battles are against Satan, NOT your spouse!
Words are like a bullet: once you shoot, you can't get them back. Be careful with your words! Without a healthy communication, you can't be intimate and create oneness.

Hints to better communication:
1. Allow your spouse to complain. Selfishness or insecurity can prevent this because we want to be immediately defensive.

2. Deal with problems daily. Don't leave a door for Satan to accuse your thoughts and emotions, allowing anger and depression to set in.

3. Begin communication with humble affirmation. Starting a sentence with "I love you" can set a positive tone for whatever is to follow. Listen carefully to what your spouse is saying. Don't interrupt, don't defend yourself. One way Mitch and Dani suggested doing this is by holding an object and only the person with the object is allowed to talk.

4. Reach an agreement, talk it through, and pray about it. Conflicts must be brought to a close! Forgive the other and get rid of any anger.

Stay tuned next week for Part III of communication!

Prayer requests:
1. Dani's grandmother is still very sick. Pray for not only her health but that she would release her stubborness.

2. Pray for teacher's affected by the economy and budget cuts. This is a hard time for everyone and many people are losing their jobs!

Comunication

2009-05-03T17:04:00.000-07:00

86% of people going through a divorce site communication as the problem.

Communication is very important in a marriage in order for intimacy and understanding. You cannot expect your spouse to read your mind.

Psalm 116:1-2 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

Psalm 86:5-7 You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy; In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me.

God is abundant in mercy. We know that when we go to him, he will listen to us and forgive us. We should be the same way with our spouses. We need to respond when we are called upon, forgive, and listen to what they are saying. And we do these things out of LOVE.

Psalm 18:16-17 He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.

God takes care of us and protects us. If we were afraid of God, we would avoid communication with him and be afraid to tell him our feelings. In the same way, if we are afraid of how our spouses will respond to something we say, we won't say it! If we are angry, we will be hurtful with our words.

Our responses need to be OUT OF LOVE at all times so that the lines of communication remain open and honest.

4 patterns of unhealthy communication:

1. The Hawk- One spouse blames the other for everything. "It's your fault this happened." They are the dictators who "never do anything wrong." Protect themselves by making everyone else look bad.

2. The Dove - want peace at any price. They do whatever makes the other person happy. Doves, however, will keep giving in until they eventually begin to resent the other person.

3. The Owl - knows it all. Always thinking logically about everything. May say, "Let's just be reasonable about this and think it through" when trouble comes. Never gets upset; is always cool, calm, and collected. No emotion.

4. The Ostrich - puts their head in the sand. Anti-confrontational. Won't acknowledge problems. Often seen by parents who refuse to believe their child is the problem.

Five levels of Communication:

1st level = "Hallway talk." This is when two people see each other in the hall, and say "Hi, How are you?" "Fine, you?" "Fine." There is no intimacy, no details.... everything is just "fine."

2nd level = "Reporting Level." Here, you give facts (went to the store, ate lunch, mowed the lawn, etc) but no feeling or emotion.

3rd level = "What you think" At this stage, you begin to share ideas or judgements on a subject. (What you think, but still not how you feel) By revealing opinions you are opening yourself up to some level of criticism. Many couples never get past this stage!

4th level = "How you feel." This is a high level of communication where you are sharing emotions, gut feelings. If you share feelings and the other person doesn't like them, you are very vulnerable for hurt and disappointment. Many couples avoid this level of communication because they are afraid their feelings will get rejected. Thus, the other is left to try to assume how they feel based on actions and body language, which can be misleading and difficult to read.

5th level = "Honesty" Communication should be honest, but not condemning; open, but not demanding. In this stage a couple is open on how they feel while looking for ways to grow together. This requires that they spend quality time together. It is hard to open up to the other if your mind is on other things. One problem with honesty is that you can be hurtful with your comments. Some things may be honest but are not really necessary to say. Remember, this person is very vulnerable because they have opened their heart to you. Before you say something at this level, think:

Is is true?

Is it helpful?

Is it necessary?

Does it glorify God?

Ephesians 4:15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.

Announcements and Prayer:

The social night will be at Mitch and Dani's on May 23rd, which is Memorial Day weekend. There was a sign up sheet today, but I would email Dani if you know you want to go but will not be able to make it.

There was also a sign up sheet for Carowinds on June 13th.

Please pray for Ellen and Zane as they travel to the Dominican Republic next weekend.